FIC: "An Unearthly Moppet" (Ten/Romana, blatant Sue, many others, crack, PG - 0/10)

[lizbee]

I am writing as fast as I can, and will probably update once a week.  Stay tuned?  Cross fingers.  And hope.

An Unearthly Moppet
Prologue: Adventures in Babysitting

In which we are reunited with our reluctant heroine, her parents and her little brother, and a plot is set in motion.

"Just for the record," Livia said, "and I'm only mentioning this because I want to be absolutely clear, and so I can point to this conversation later and say 'I told you so'--"

"Talks a bit, doesn't she?" her father said.

"I can't imagine where she picked that up," her mother murmured.

"And," Livia continued, as if her parents weren't being infuriating and ironic and disruptive while she was speaking, "because I think it's very important that we be honest.  Because honesty is important in a family unit."

"A bit too much use of the word 'honesty' there," her mother said.  "People will start wondering what you're hiding."

Livia sighed.

"That's it," she said, "I've had it."  She involuntarily stamped her foot.  It wasn't intentional.  Just a reflex. 

Something crunched beneath her boot, and from the other side of the console room a high-pitched wail began.

"Now look what you've done," said her mother.

"Oh!"  She didn't stamp her foot this time, but it was close.  "This is so unfair!"

"Yes, yes," said her father, "but what were you saying before?"  To stop the wailing, he pulled his sonic screwdriver out of his pocket and handed it to Livia's brother.  Just as quickly, Romana removed the sonic screwdriver from Bobby's chubby fingers and replaced it with a plush cephalopod.

"This is completely unjust," said Livia.

"Yes, but--"

"No," said Livia with as much patience as she could muster, "that's what I was going to say.  That it's really unfair that I'm stuck here with the baby while you two go off and have fun and buy things."

"It's a rather important shopping trip," said her mother.  "It's not as though we're stocking up on new-season fashions and expensive wine."

"No," Livia sighed, "you're buying parts for a robot dog.  Don't think I haven't guessed."

Her parents exchanged looks.

"We do need a new temporal fuse inhibitor," said her mother.  "It's getting a bit urgent, actually."

"And it just so happens that the best temporal fuse inhibitors are made in the year five thousand," her father added, "which also happens to be the century of origin for the original K9 model."

Livia sat down on one of the overstuffed chairs that had recently appeared in the console room. 

"Sometimes," she said, "I think you only had a baby because it was too inconvenient to make a new robot dog."

"Livia!" her father snapped.

"Not that we don't all miss K9," said her mother, "but really, one can't just replace him like -- like a toy."

The Doctor looked down suddenly, apparently finding his trainers infinitely more entertaining than anything else in the room.  His ears were red.

"But," Romana added, "if by chance we were to stumble across the right components--"

"It's important for a kid to have a pet," the Doctor added.  "It'll teach Bobby about responsibility and empathy and all that."

"Not that he wouldn't learn those things anyway," Romana put in.

"He's very precocious."

Everyone looked down.  At that moment, the youngest Time Lord in the universe (two-years-old, blond-haired, blue eyed and radiating an air of studied innocence) was chewing on a plush tentacle.

"Well," said Romana, "at least he has a full set of teeth now, anyway."

"I think we're getting a little off the point," said Livia.  "The point being that I'm quite dissatisfied with the current status quo.  And since you two have both taught me that if the status quo is wrong, I should fix it--"

"Yes," Romana muttered, "I suppose we did."  She sounded oddly regretful. 

"So I'm expressing my feelings, and now either you change, or some kind of revolution can take place, although I think that would be messy in this setting--"

"And upsetting for Bobby," the Doctor suggested.

"Yes," said Livia, who supposed that Bobby might have some feelings either way.  "If you say so."

"Livia," said her mother, with the harried look of a woman with less patience than time, "we shall discuss this -- at length -- when we return.  But for now, our plans are in place and I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to buy a new temporal fuse inhibitor before the TARDIS explodes."

"And if we run into a robot dog along the way..." the Doctor muttered.  He stopped when Romana elbowed him in the ribs.

"We won't be long," Romana promised, "and there are emergency numbers on the console, you can order a pizza, and under no circumstances are you to create a temporal paradox or expose your brother to any violent holofilms."

"Whatever," Livia muttered.  Her mother obviously chose to hear the assent and not the insolence, because she smiled and said, "Thank you."

Her father paused in the doorway and gave her one of his unexpected, enigmatic serious looks.

"Good luck," he said quietly.

"That's what it'll probably take," she agreed.

When her parents were gone and the doors closed behind them, Livia turned to Bobby.

"Now," she said, pulling a stray Zeus plug out of his hand, "you're going to be good for Livvy, aren't you?"

"You don't have to patronise me," he said, although since he still had a tentacle in his mouth it came out more like, "Ooo on a oo pa-on-iye ee".  He removed the tentacle and added, "just because I'm short."

"It's because you keep putting things in your mouth.  You don't catch any grown ups doing that, do you?"

"Daddy does."

"Daddy is..." Livia attempted to find words for their father, failed and finished, "well, he's nearly a thousand, and when you're that old, you can stick things in your mouth as well."

Bobby made a sniffing sound that might have been a snort of disdain, or just a sign of adenoidal problems, and went back to building a fort out of spare power cells. 

Livia sighed again at the unfairness of the universe, and when the universe failed to commiserate, she went to have a shower.

*

When she returned to the console room, there was an odd humming in the air.

"Bobby?" she called, "Bobby, if you've touched anything, I will kill you.  And you can explain to Mother how you came to be in your second regeneration before the age of three." 

There was no answer from her brother, but the humming grew louder.

"Bobby?"

Not that Livia was worried; it would be just like him to create some kind of mess that she'd have to clean up, and if the TARDIS was damaged it would be she who got in trouble for it.  But still.  It would be nice to know that her brother was perfectly safe, and that there was no fresh chaos brewing, and no temporal displacement fields developing in the console room.

There was a temporal displacement field developing in the console room.

"Damn," said Livia, because stronger language seemed inadequate.  "Bobby?"

She held her breath, and heard his distant cry, "Livvyyyyyyy?"

It was coming from the centre of the displacement field.

"Hold on," she called, "I'm going to get you out.  And when I do," she took a step back, "I'm going to kill you.  Maybe even twice.  And then I'm going to tell Mum and Dad exactly what you did ... whatever that was..."

"Livvy?  Where are you?"

"I'm coming, Bobby!"

Livia took a flying leap and threw herself into the displacement field.  As time and chaos closed around her, she realised she wasn't wearing shoes.

"Damn," she said.

Comments

[falena]

This is awesome.
I read the Emo Time Moppet saga just the other day, so now I feel like a kid who got two Christmas days in a row. Hee!
Your brand of weird Time Lord teenage angst really brings teh funneh.

Fave line: Livia sighed again at the unfairness of the universe, and when the universe failed to commiserate, she went to have a shower.

[evil_plotbunny]

Ohh. YAY.

*jumps and bounces*

[palmetto.livejournal.com]

Hooray! :D

[nostalgia-lj.livejournal.com]

This is the greatest story ever told.

[rowanberries.livejournal.com]

Squee!

Sue? Pfft. So long as Livia continues to be awesome and well written, we're good. *hunts for popcorn*

[fyrdrakken]

Time Lord children should definitely be like this. And Livia is doing a great job of displaying the true horror of having the Doctor and Romana as parents.

[rj-anderson.livejournal.com]

under no circumstances are you to create a temporal paradox or expose your brother to any violent holofilms."

LOLOLOL

This is genius, as usual. MOAR PLS.

[chocolatepot.livejournal.com]

That was literally the best Doctor Who fanfic I have ever read. ♥♥♥♥♥

[biichan.livejournal.com]

OMG THIS RULES! MOAR PLZ.

Seriously, though. The Doctor's ill-disguised plan to build a new robot dog filled me with glee. As did Livia arguing with Bobby.

[snorkackcatcher]

Heh. This would be an awesome crack episode ...

[rainshaded]

Oh, yay for Ten/Romana, Emo Time Moppet crack!

I'm very much looking forward to the rest of this.

[blinovitch.livejournal.com]

'S good. Keep it up!

[tree_and_leaf]

Hurrah for more Emo Time Moppetry!

"Daddy is..." Livia attempted to find words for their father, failed and finished, "well, he's nearly a thousand, and when you're that old, you can stick things in your mouth as well."

Poor Livia. I felt for her there, Emo Time Moppetry or not....

[kerravonsen]

Yay!

I appreciated the surprise that Time Lords are perfectly articulate at the age of two.

And LOL at the "don't put things in your mouth" bit!

"I think we're getting a little off the point," said Livia. "The point being that I'm quite dissatisfied with the current status quo. And since you two have both taught me that if the status quo is wrong, I should fix it--"

"Yes," Romana muttered, "I suppose we did." She sounded oddly regretful.

Love it.

(BTW, I'm still cogitating over revising my Romana-Rose story. Been brainstorming with aizain and maybe there might be a way of fixing the "too many Time Lords" problem.)

[purple-smurf.livejournal.com]

The levels of love I have for you are rising to the batshit insane levels rather quickly here.

[magicallaw.livejournal.com]

OMG YAY!

[infiniteviking]

She involuntarily stamped her foot.

Romana mannerism whut! <3 I laughed at nearly every paragraph -- the Doctor's general lunacy and Romana's cool corrections, all the wonderful Livia dialog, and the way one just knows Bobby's going to get into far more trouble than the average toddler could possibly imagine. The whole K9 saga. The Time Tots' conversation. THE PLUSH SQUID. Let me just say YAY.