The House o'Squid watches... The Plan!

[lizbee]

Who doesn't love some crazy Cylon shenanigans? SHUT UP IF YOU'RE ANSWERING THAT, I DON'T WANT TO KNOW. Talky talk Cylon voiceover! AND THEY HAVE A PLAN. I still can't hear those words without a lol. "Allegedly," adds suburbannoir.

Nothing like a Cavil on Cavil debate. Hat!Cavil is having belated second thoughts about that whole genocide business. "All Along the Watchtower" plays. "Remember how Cavil's plotline ended?" asks suburbannoir. Somehow the mood is broken.

MEANWHILE, BACK ON CAPRICA, we have some gratuitous Baltar. MOAR GAIUS PLS. Cavil is hitting on his mom. Ellen is so drunk right now. Cavil is eyedarting a whole lot.

Meanwhile, the Hybrid is being crazy and inscrutable. Nothing new here. HELLO, LEOBEN! Is Lucy Lawless actually in this, or are they reusing old footage? Now there's a lot of nuclear holocaust footage that will look really good in a vid. The Cylons are SO HAPPY the entire system is burning. YES, WE GET IT, LOTS OF THINGS ARE BURNING.

"The oceans of Aqueron are burning."
"That seems unlikely," says suburbannoir.

OH HAI, GALACTICA. Oh, Gaeta. Tigh is really drunk right now. YES, WE REMEMBER HE'S ONE OF THE FINAL FIVE. Meanwhile, back on Caprica, Sam is being teh heroic. And Torey is crawling out of the wreckage of her car. That city is totally levelled, but her car's still there! Cavil is saving Ellen's life, because he's a sadistic sonuvabitch like that. OH GOD, LEE, WHY DO YOU EXIST?

CENTURIONS ARE HELPING THEIR FALLEN COMRADES, GUYS. I HAVE A LUMP IN MY THROAT.

Sam's team are like, HELLO, WE ARE A GIANT TEAM OF TRIANGLE PLAYERS ROAMING THE URBAN WILDERNESS! LOL!

Are we finally going to find out who sent Adama the "there are only 12 Cylon models" note?

OH I SEE. IT WAS YOU, GAIUS.

"So they couldn't even get James Callis back to film that scene?" asks suburbannoir. "Fair enough. I'll take it."

Sam: delivers exposition. He's like, Guerilla Leader Dude. It's kind of ... well, hot. Actually.

"Tigh, you have two eyes! I don't understand!" cries suburbannoir. Galactica is crawling with both Cylons and creepy children. OMG A SECRET SEVEN MEETING! Man, it's a pity Baltar never got to meet dominatrix!Six.

"Let's get this genocide started," says Cavil. He needs a musical number.

I love Tricia Helfer. You can always tell when Six -- any six -- is thinking of murdering a Cavil.

suburbannoir has decided that the Centurions are making art out of their body parts. It's not as funny as Cavil ticking off Doral for being rubbish and badly dressed. THIS IS THE GREATEST MOMENT OF THE ENTIRE SERIES EVER.

We were just lamenting that we're missing a great opportunity to show Leoben setting up a creepy stalker shrine to Kara, but then we realised he was eavesdropping on her over the wireless. PS CAVIL IS MEAN TO SMALL CHILDREN, JUST SO YOU KNOW HE'S THE BAD GUY

Tyrol: is a stickler for workplace health and safety rules.

OKAY, THE EIGHTS ARE RUBBISH. WE ALL KNOW THAT. Cavil mocks your love for Tyrol, Boomer. But that's okay, he's the best of them. Even as he steals Simon from his family. POOR SIMON, MAN. Poor Rick Worthy, too.

Guys, I think we've been cheated out of a chance to see a Centurion driving a forklift. Goddamn Cylons run everything.

"Is it just me, or is this kind of boring?" I wonder aloud.

"I'm just trying to figure out what the point is," says suburbannoir.

More scenes from season one. suburbannoir: "Did they only have enough footage for an hour or something?"

Meanwhile, hat!Cavil is ingratiating himself with the Triangle players. He's fallen in love with Anders, or so we deduce by the significant look and slow mo.

Doral goes 'splodey. Cut to Leoben, whose shirt is a whole different kind of explosion. He has special sneaking music. I fear he's about to become intimately acquainted with an airlock.

Hat!Cylon is talking theology with Sam. It's ... weirdly hot. I DUNNO, DEAN STOCKWELL, WHO GAVE YOU LEAVE TO BE ATTRACTIVE? Do all the Simons hate Cavil? I hope so! "The serial killer option. That's a fine, fine option." Man, Cavil really hates humanity. Also, baby!Gaius is so adorable. Equally special is the Colonial CD-Rom, complete with CORNERS CUT OFF.

OH LEOBEN YOU NEED TO STOP WITH THE HILARIOUS STALKING. And, um, fingerpainting. How long does this thing go?

Therapy with Cavil: I SEE SITCOM!

"You know what would have made this movie about seventy times more awesome?" says suburbannoir. "If Cavil was played by Terry O'Quinn."

I AM IN TOTAL AGREEMENT.

We get to relive the "No more Mister Nice Gaius!" scene. Oh, Baltar.

"If you get a chance," says Cavil to Leoben, "you kill Kara Thrace."

Leoben: *MASSIVE PUPPYDOG EYES*

"So basically this entire plan is Cavil's," says suburbannoir. "And he sucks." For example, now he's making brunette!Six wear a wig. ENDLESS LULZ. Did this need so many tits? SO MANY TITS, GUYS.

"Oh look, an airlock. How handy." I LOVE YOU, CAVIL. YOU ARE SO FUNNY.

piecesofalice: is shipping Kara/Leoben. Something about graphically explaining how easily you can kill someone: surprisngly hot. OH LOOK, LEOBEN CAN SEE THE FUTURE! SPOILERS!

Man, hat!Cavil sure loves Sam.

Ship!Cavil is going to kill that kid, isn't he? And he's shagging Tough!Six. "We're a fleet killing machine." OH GOD WHY DOES CAVIL NOT HAVE A STARRING ROLE IN A COMEDY MUSICAL ABOUT GENOCIDE?

Oh man, why is this still going on?

Doral blew himself up! I'm glad Six is here to drunkenly point out how lame this is. "And my sister Six utterly failed to discredit Baltar. And his dreamy hair." Why isn't Six drunk all the time? It's even funnier than Ellen. THEY'RE JUST LIKE TIGH AND ELLEN. Kids: they grow up like their parents.

Oh, Starbuck before Katee Sackhoff got her breast implants. Bless.

We are hoping that the creepy child following Cavil around is a head!child. Daniel! IT IS TOTALLY DANIEL! I HEREBY REJECT ANY OTHER EXPLANATIONS IN FAVOUR OF THAT ONE! (PS DANIEL IS KARA'S DAD, TOO.)

Hat!Cavil: sent Kara to the Farm because he was jealous of all the sex she was having with Lee. This = trufax.

Remember that time Sam was sent flying INTO THE SUN? suburbannoir does. Let's all join hands and sing "Like a Boss".

"What are you doing here?" Simon asks hat!Cavil. "What does this man mean to you?" HOW WE LOLLED.

Tyrol and Simon's wife whose name I can't recall are figuring out that the Cylons are made of fail. Remember that time Cavil was like, "You can't be a Cylon, I haven't seen you at any of the Cylon parties!" And then it turned out there really were Cylon parties.

Tyrol kisses the wife whose name I can't recall. "All this talk of suicide and Cylons just got me in the mood."

GUYS, IT'S SO HARD BEING CAVIL! BECAUSE HE'S OVERLORD TO IDIOTS!

Small head!Daniel brings Cavil an apple. He says his name is John. Maybe he's a baby!Cavil? Meanwhile, hat!Cavil is going to shoot Kara because she stole his Sam. Oh yes, and ship!Cavil stabs the wee child. HAT!CAVIL LOVES SAM TOO MUCH TO SHOOT HIM! This whole show = Dean Stockwell is frakking amazing.

Remember that time Lee was all, "Let's ditch our technology, fly Sam into the sun and colonise Australia!"? I JUST FIGURED OUT WHY CAVIL SHOT HIMSELF LIKE THAT!

One hour, forty minutes and it's still not finished. They're doing something terrible to Tricia Helfer's face. It involves spray tan. Awful.

MOAR "ALL ALONG THE WATCHTOWER". Does this mean it's almost finished?

EVEN CAVIL DOESN'T LIKE HIMSELF! OH, CAVIL. HE'S GOING TO BOX HAT!CAVIL. BUT THEY HOLD HANDS BECAUSE THEY'RE BROTHERS.

CHEER UP, EMO CAVIL.

OH THANK CHRIST, IT'S DONE. And it's dedicated to Harvey, which I'm sure he'll appreciate.

"I hope this is like Babylon 5," suburbannoir says, "and it just keeps getting weirder and weirder spin-offs." I, for one, would like a B5 TV movie from the Shadow's point of view. It could just be Justin, Morden and Anna, sitting around, drinking tea and bitching about the younger races. DEAN STOCKWELL COULD BE IN IT.

I'll go now...