The perils of online dating

[lizbee]

Kind of on a whim, I started an OK Cupid profile. For some reason, the first line of my profile -- "I am an opinionated left-wing feminist Catholic nerd" - puts people off. I just got this message:

That's a full on first line: opinionated left-wing feminist Catholic nerd.

Definitely not for me ma chérie.

So far I've resisted the urge to reply, "MISSION ACCOMPLISHED", or pointing out that he needs a comma after "me", or, indeed, replying at all.

The whole point of that first line is that in my experience with online dating, I tend to make contact with seemingly nice men, and we bond over our left-wing politics and feminism and nerdery, and then they start telling me how great Richard Dawkins and Christopher Hitchens are. And then there's the awkward moment where I tell them I'm Catholic.

One tried to come back with, "But if you read Hitchens, you'll know it's Islam that's the real threat."

Then I pointed out that my stepmother is a Muslim.

Anyway, so far being upfront about my biases is filtering those guys out, but the only conversation it has attracted was from a guy whose profile entirely consisted of Dostoyevsky quotes, and all he wanted to talk about was the inherent paradox of being religious and feminist. Since I don't see a paradox, this was difficult.

Comments

[cosmic_llin]

Oh My Glob, why would you send someone a message just to tell them that there was no point in you sending them a message?! And so patronising too!

Hope you start to have some better luck!

[rhivolution]

My response would definitely be 'Oh, DARN.'

[stultiloquentia]

Just wandering by to compliment you on your long-form OMG.

[cosmic_llin]

LMAO, I picked it up from my friend who dressed as Lumpy Space Princess for Halloween...

[nonelvis]

Wow, I can't imagine why you wouldn't want to date this spectacular winner.

[elisi]

I am an opinionated left-wing feminist Catholic nerd
Knew there was a reason you were on my flist! ♥

[cyprinella]

Everything I hear about online dating makes me glad I poached my husband from my roommate lo these many years ago and never had to set a toe into those waters. The best worst message one of my friends has gotten from one of these sites consisted entirely of "Want fucked?" And yet I recently attended a wedding where the couple met via eHarmony. So there's hope?

[frayadjacent]

*headdesk*

I know some people who've found great partners on dating websites! And one on Craigslist. :) Sorry you're having to sift through these d-bags, and I hope your first line will *attract* someone great as well as filter out most of these dudes.

Also, I'm agnostic, but Hitchens and Dawkins? No thanks. (Un?)holier-than-thou atheists are so obnoxious.

[silverhare]

Unholier-than-thou atheists

Perfect!

[silverhare]

How can being religious and feminist be a paradox? I.. don't-...

I had a couple of nice relationships through OK Cupid; it just takes sifting.

[avendya]

Ugh. Why do guys think that their desire to speak to you outweighs your desire to not speak to them? Also, do they think you're going to change deeply-held views because some guy on a dating site wrote you off because of said views? Ugh, ugh, ugh.

[sabra_n]

"But if you read Hitchens, you'll know it's Islam that's the real threat."

I'm getting this little...eyelid twitch. Ack. Did this dude also believe that women are inherently unfunny? Because his idol Hitchens said that, too. My parents sometimes nudge me towards dating sites, but wow, does it sound unfun to explain my Jewish atheist ass to them.

[stultiloquentia]

"I am an opinionated left-wing feminist Catholic nerd"

*snickers* That is a GREAT first line. And don't lose hope! I met another of your kind just last Saturday! Granted, he lives in Boston, and I've no idea whether he's ever checked out OK Cupid....

[melengro]

Boston is probably the first place I'd go to look for opinionated left-wing feminist Catholic nerds, and not only because it's the closest large city to me.

[wolfy_writing]

Did he think that if he let you know that your opening line didn't appeal to him, you'd suddenly go "Oh, sorry! Do you want me to change my politics, change my religion, or stifle myself and never say anything people might disagree with? Because I'll do all of those things, if that's what's needed to Find A Man!"

I'm an atheist, and I still would rather avoid conversations with anyone who wants to hold forth on how great Christopher Hitchens is.

[kerravonsen]

Did he think that if he let you know that your opening line didn't appeal to him, you'd suddenly go "Oh, sorry! Do you want me to change my politics, change my religion, or stifle myself and never say anything people might disagree with? Because I'll do all of those things, if that's what's needed to Find A Man!"

Well said.

[lydaclunas]

I mentioned this on FB or Twitter or somewheres, but, David and I actually did meet on OK Cupid, and that worked out all right, though he was definitely the more active of us on the site. David used the site to meet new friends, too -- he met several decent people via OKC who became friends that he still keeps in touch with.

In any case, there are some nice folks in the slush pile... but it's not a small slush pile.

[kerravonsen]

So far I've resisted the urge to reply, "MISSION ACCOMPLISHED"

Do not resist this urge. It is a good urge. Well, possibly not a good urge, but an amusing one. After all, it is true, because the mission of your first line is to weed out idiots like him.

[jennaw]

I love how some guys think that they NEED to express their opinion and that if that opinion is a lack of interest in a women, then that is some kind of huge thing that the woman is surely going to be devastated by and care about.

Uhm, dude, *you* visited *her* profile. Just move along, Narcissus. Just move along.

[sqbr]

Yeah, I know people who like to keep up a "normal" front when first getting to know new friends/partners etc, but personally I'd rather get any "Oh you're one of them" out of the way as quickly as possible.

[alexseanchai]

Yeah, that doesn't bode well for if I ever decide to put my opinionated left-wing feminist atheist nerd self on a dating site. The type who revere Dawkins and Hitchens have far too much overlap with the type who see nothing wrong with propositioning a woman when alone with her in an elevator at four in the morning after the woman in question gives the conference in question a speech about the ways in which the atheist movement is failing to be feminist.

[melengro]

As someone whose experience with OK Cupid lasted two days and resulted in me reporting back to some acquaintances who are moderators on the site about, among other things, what they said were some of the most bizarrely low top compatibility ratings* they'd ever heard of (I think my highest one was 81% or thereabouts), it doesn't entirely surprise me that expressing any set of political, religious, and social beliefs that doesn't fall into some entitled jerk's preconceptions of 'common' categories would result in less-than-auspicious responses. It does, however, disappoint me, and it I find it baffling and faintly disgusting that somebody would go to the trouble of messaging you just to indicate alleged disinterest. And ma chérie? What the hell?

And as someone who is--not uncritically--fond of Dostoyevsky, it surprises me considerably less than I would like that somebody whose profile is entirely composed of quotes from his work would make presumptuous and uncalled-for assumptions about what is and isn't paradoxical.

Regarding Messrs Dawkins and Hitchens: It's always exhausting when an apparent political kindred spirit turns out to have what one considers questionable views on religion, and vice-versa. I've had that exact same rude awakening, regarding those exact same people (and the staggeringly, I'm almost tempted to say uniquely but that isn't really the case, execrable Sam Harris), more than once. And it isn't as if their views on religion are the only reason one would have a problem with these people either! Richard Dawkins and Christopher Hitchens are, themselves, religious quasi-kindred spirits with questionable views on politics for several of my less piously-inclined friends.



*I vaguely recall OK Cupid uses a less clinical-sounding term than compatibility, but I forget what it is if so.

ETA: Sorry I've edited this so many times; it's a time of day when I should probably not be awake.

[sohotrightnow]

Why would you even do that? What the fuck? What's the point there? What have you really accomplished? I mean, I guess it's supposed to be negging, so maybe my inability to understand is part of my inability to understand that practice in general. I'm just so baffled!!!!!

(Edit: that's regarding the first dude. The second dude, I just...I got nothing.)

This really isn't useful for you, but I feel it's an interesting data point: I found that the tenor of my communications improved dramatically when I removed "guys" from the "Interested In" options, and just left it as "girls". I actually encountered a few other women who'd had the same experience -- they were bi, but found that the only way the site was usable for them was if they used it exclusively to meet women. I totally salute straight women who use the site, oof.

[wolfy_writing]

Now I'm curious. If you only list an interest in women on online dating sites, do you still get guys going all "Hi, are you sure you don't want to hook up with a guy?" at you?

(I'm only interested in women, and I've vaguely considered online dating at times, although it probably doesn't work well if you change countries every couple of years.)

[sohotrightnow]

I do not! My understanding is that now I just don't even appear in guys' search results. They might still be able to find me by browsing, but since I've unchecked the little box that says I'm looking to meet guys, and they're generally searching for women who are interested in men, I'm simply not going to register on their radar in the first place. I imagine it does happen, because the human capacity to find a way to be a jerk is nothing short of miraculous, but since my profile's been sitting there for a few years now, and it hasn't happened to me yet, I am comfortable saying that it doesn't seem to happen very often.

[wolfy_writing]

Ooh, good to know! Because "Could conceivably happen once in a very long while" is something I'd be willing to put up with, but not "You will routinely get spammed by guys!"

[marymac]

I'm so entertained that these people think 'opinionated left-wing Catholic feminist' is weird. There were a whole 860 in my school (of 860).

And paradox guy has clearly never met any nuns, wow.

[(Anonymous)]

As a fellow Chistian feminist I can relate (though I'm politically a moderate), I laugh at people who see it as an oxymoron. Well, it's either
laugh or want to hit them with a giant anime mallet. :-)

FairladyZ2005

[(Anonymous)]

Insert embarrassed animation blush here. I hate it when I forget to use spell-check preview. :-p

FairladyZ2005

[angrymermaids]

Funnily enough, I also started an OKC profile today, also on a whim. Can't wait to see what kind of messages I get. Might be interesting, since I introduced myself as a gay feminist Mormon.

I assume you've seen Nice Guys of OK Cupid?

[philippos42]

Yeah, I can see Catholic being a stumbling block for quite a few people. I mean, it might be a stumbling block for me, if I were into you in that way. Also I thought you were possibly a lesbian.

Really, I had no idea you were Catholic. It doesn't offend me or anything, some of the nicest, coolest people I know are Catholic. I just hadn't really noticed.

True story, my old college advisor, a Catholic, was surprised I was raised evangelical Protestant. "I assumed you were a Catholic, you seemed more sophisticated." I said I was really more an agnostic. "Well, aren't we all."

[fallingtowers]

For some reason, the first line of my profile -- "I am an opinionated left-wing feminist Catholic nerd" - puts people off.

Heh. Don't consider it to be off-putting, though. Try to see it as separating the wheat from the chaff or the sheep from the goats. :P

Also, I've decided that, should I ever try online dating, my profile would totally elaborate on my three Fs: fangirling, fatness, and feminism. I suppose that serves as a similar deterrent.