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lizbeeTitle: Hermione's Handbag Is Bigger On The Inside, But Not In A Symbolic Way Or Anything
Summary: In which Harry and Hermione get sucked into the handbag dimension, the fourth wall is repeatedly violated, Hermione muses about literature and absolutely no one has sex with Harry.
Fandom: Harry Potter/Doctor Who crossover
Rated: PG-13
Spoilers: Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows; season 3 up to "Family of Blood".
It was a cold, wet evening somewhere in England, and Harry Potter was regretting that he hadn't thought to steal Dudley's spare TV before he left Privet Drive. He was also regretting the absence of Ron, the lack of food, the fact that he'd agreed to go on this stupid world-saving quest, and the thing where he and Hermione had been living alone in close quarters for weeks now, and contrary to everything he'd learned from Seamus's porn collection, he had yet to see her naked, let alone get the opportunity to make her a woman. Harry was not regretting the problematic run-on sentences that formed his internal dialogue, because he wasn't that kind of guy, and in any case, he hadn't yet learned the spell to break the fourth wall.
"Harry," said Hermione without looking up from her book, "could you please do me a favour and get The Complete Idiot's Guide to Saving the World out of my bag?"
"Isn't that what you're reading?"
She checked the cover. "This is Saving the World for Dummies," she said. "There are several key differences, including the standard of insults leveled at the reader."
"Right," said Harry, who had actually tuned out as soon as he realised that no part of this conversation was going to end with, "And that's why I need you to take your pants off". He was a teenage boy, dammit. He had needs.
He told himself this as he picked up Hermione's beaded handbag, just to reassert his masculinity, which was in no way pastede on. He brandished his wand in a totally non-symbolic way and said, "Accio book."
Or at least, he tried to say, "Accio book," but he'd barely pronounced the first syllable when a hand reached out, grabbed the front of his shirt and pulled him into the handbag.
"Harry!" he heard Hermione cry. Her book fell to the floor with a loud paperback thump and he heard footsteps as she rushed towards him, but then she said, "Awp!" and she too was falling through the depths of her handbag. Harry had never read Alice in Wonderland, as he'd only ever read the books Dudley discarded, and Dudley's taste ran more towards movie novelisations and the occasional illicit Babysitter's Club book, but Hermione was no doubt comparing the experience to a scene created by Lewis Carroll, and was probably preparing a lecture on how Alice was not actually a drug story, that was just a bit of revisionist history created in the sixties, he might have been a paedophile, though, she wasn't sure, and there was something a bit odd about those photos of Alice Liddell.
Fortunately, Hermione kept all of these ideas to herself, so they didn't intrude on Harry's thoughts. Which were: We're falling. We're falling quite a long way. I hope there's food. I wonder if I'll get to have sex down here?
Hermione, meanwhile, had moved on to thinking about The Silver Chair. She really hoped there weren't going to be too many Judeo-Christian themes here, because she was agnostic.
Then they landed, with a loud thump, a lot of swearing and an embarrassing entangling of limbs. They picked themselves up, extracted hands from inconvenient places, and looked around.
They were in a vast room, lit in shades of amber and green that in no way made people look like weasels. It was somehow mechanical yet organic, as if the walls were carved out of coral, and there was a low hum in the air, like the heartbeat of an alien machine, or possibly just the air conditioning.
And standing in front of them was a tall, skinny man. He wore a brown pinstriped suit, and had really cool hair, and he looked deeply annoyed.
"Right," he said, sticking his hands in his pockets, "I'm the Doctor, this is Martha--"
--A beautiful black woman looked up from the book she was reading and waved--
"And we'd really like to know why you're using my TARDIS as a dumping ground for your stuff."
Harry looked around. Now that the Doctor mentioned it, the room was full of the things Hermione kept in her handbag. There was Phineas Nigellus's portrait, half the contents of Hogwarts library, four pairs of shoes, a hairbrush, a small mountain of feminine sanitary products and rather a lot of underwear. And Martha was reading Hogwarts: A History, which did nothing to lessen her general attractiveness, but did somehow make it less likely she'd have sex with him.
"Um," said Harry.
"I can explain," said Hermione. "I must have ... I mean, I thought I'd cast dimensionalis transcendentalum properly, but obviously I flicked my wand too hard, or maybe waved it to the left instead of to the right ... ooh, this will sort it out." She picked up a book from the pile, opened it to a marked page, sat down and began to read.
"So..." said Harry, "is there anything to eat?"
A brief argument followed, as the Doctor tried to send Martha down to the kitchens to get a snack for Harry and make some tea, and she refused on the grounds that she was reading, and he always complained she made the tea too strong, and despite any evidence to the contrary, she was not actually his maid.
The Doctor went to get some tea.
Harry sat down beside Martha.
"So," he said, "you and the Doctor. Is that a thing?"
"We save the world, mostly."
"I've got a world that needs saving myself," said Harry, and although it sounded a lot less sexy than it had in his head. "You guys could take us home, maybe blow some stuff up, I can fulfill my destiny..."
Martha raised her almost-perfect-except-they-needed-to-be-shaped-a-bit-in-the-middle eyebrows. "You have a destiny?" She sounded more skeptical than turned on.
"Yeah." Harry gave a manly sigh. "I'm probably going to die before I'm eighteen," he said.
Martha put the book down. "Are you about to tell me that you don't want to die a virgin?" she asked.
"Not anymore. ...Why, would you offer to help me do something about that?"
"On second thought, maybe I'll help the Doctor get the tea."
When they were alone, Harry said to Hermione, "I hate this stupid world-saving quest."
"I know," said Hermione. "Oh, as long as you're over there, could you please grab The Complete Idiot's Guide to Saving the World?"
"I might as well snog Voldemort. That might shock him into dying."
"Are you going to do something constructive, or should we just end this story on a low note?"
"Huh?"
Hermione sighed and pulled out her wand. "Quadrans vallum," she said, and the fourth wall crashed down like a void in a season finale, and that was the
end
Summary: In which Harry and Hermione get sucked into the handbag dimension, the fourth wall is repeatedly violated, Hermione muses about literature and absolutely no one has sex with Harry.
Fandom: Harry Potter/Doctor Who crossover
Rated: PG-13
Spoilers: Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows; season 3 up to "Family of Blood".
Hermione's Handbag Is Bigger On The Inside, But Not In A Symbolic Way Or Anything
by LizBee
by LizBee
It was a cold, wet evening somewhere in England, and Harry Potter was regretting that he hadn't thought to steal Dudley's spare TV before he left Privet Drive. He was also regretting the absence of Ron, the lack of food, the fact that he'd agreed to go on this stupid world-saving quest, and the thing where he and Hermione had been living alone in close quarters for weeks now, and contrary to everything he'd learned from Seamus's porn collection, he had yet to see her naked, let alone get the opportunity to make her a woman. Harry was not regretting the problematic run-on sentences that formed his internal dialogue, because he wasn't that kind of guy, and in any case, he hadn't yet learned the spell to break the fourth wall.
"Harry," said Hermione without looking up from her book, "could you please do me a favour and get The Complete Idiot's Guide to Saving the World out of my bag?"
"Isn't that what you're reading?"
She checked the cover. "This is Saving the World for Dummies," she said. "There are several key differences, including the standard of insults leveled at the reader."
"Right," said Harry, who had actually tuned out as soon as he realised that no part of this conversation was going to end with, "And that's why I need you to take your pants off". He was a teenage boy, dammit. He had needs.
He told himself this as he picked up Hermione's beaded handbag, just to reassert his masculinity, which was in no way pastede on. He brandished his wand in a totally non-symbolic way and said, "Accio book."
Or at least, he tried to say, "Accio book," but he'd barely pronounced the first syllable when a hand reached out, grabbed the front of his shirt and pulled him into the handbag.
"Harry!" he heard Hermione cry. Her book fell to the floor with a loud paperback thump and he heard footsteps as she rushed towards him, but then she said, "Awp!" and she too was falling through the depths of her handbag. Harry had never read Alice in Wonderland, as he'd only ever read the books Dudley discarded, and Dudley's taste ran more towards movie novelisations and the occasional illicit Babysitter's Club book, but Hermione was no doubt comparing the experience to a scene created by Lewis Carroll, and was probably preparing a lecture on how Alice was not actually a drug story, that was just a bit of revisionist history created in the sixties, he might have been a paedophile, though, she wasn't sure, and there was something a bit odd about those photos of Alice Liddell.
Fortunately, Hermione kept all of these ideas to herself, so they didn't intrude on Harry's thoughts. Which were: We're falling. We're falling quite a long way. I hope there's food. I wonder if I'll get to have sex down here?
Hermione, meanwhile, had moved on to thinking about The Silver Chair. She really hoped there weren't going to be too many Judeo-Christian themes here, because she was agnostic.
Then they landed, with a loud thump, a lot of swearing and an embarrassing entangling of limbs. They picked themselves up, extracted hands from inconvenient places, and looked around.
They were in a vast room, lit in shades of amber and green that in no way made people look like weasels. It was somehow mechanical yet organic, as if the walls were carved out of coral, and there was a low hum in the air, like the heartbeat of an alien machine, or possibly just the air conditioning.
And standing in front of them was a tall, skinny man. He wore a brown pinstriped suit, and had really cool hair, and he looked deeply annoyed.
"Right," he said, sticking his hands in his pockets, "I'm the Doctor, this is Martha--"
--A beautiful black woman looked up from the book she was reading and waved--
"And we'd really like to know why you're using my TARDIS as a dumping ground for your stuff."
Harry looked around. Now that the Doctor mentioned it, the room was full of the things Hermione kept in her handbag. There was Phineas Nigellus's portrait, half the contents of Hogwarts library, four pairs of shoes, a hairbrush, a small mountain of feminine sanitary products and rather a lot of underwear. And Martha was reading Hogwarts: A History, which did nothing to lessen her general attractiveness, but did somehow make it less likely she'd have sex with him.
"Um," said Harry.
"I can explain," said Hermione. "I must have ... I mean, I thought I'd cast dimensionalis transcendentalum properly, but obviously I flicked my wand too hard, or maybe waved it to the left instead of to the right ... ooh, this will sort it out." She picked up a book from the pile, opened it to a marked page, sat down and began to read.
"So..." said Harry, "is there anything to eat?"
A brief argument followed, as the Doctor tried to send Martha down to the kitchens to get a snack for Harry and make some tea, and she refused on the grounds that she was reading, and he always complained she made the tea too strong, and despite any evidence to the contrary, she was not actually his maid.
The Doctor went to get some tea.
Harry sat down beside Martha.
"So," he said, "you and the Doctor. Is that a thing?"
"We save the world, mostly."
"I've got a world that needs saving myself," said Harry, and although it sounded a lot less sexy than it had in his head. "You guys could take us home, maybe blow some stuff up, I can fulfill my destiny..."
Martha raised her almost-perfect-except-they-needed-to-be-shaped-a-bit-in-the-middle eyebrows. "You have a destiny?" She sounded more skeptical than turned on.
"Yeah." Harry gave a manly sigh. "I'm probably going to die before I'm eighteen," he said.
Martha put the book down. "Are you about to tell me that you don't want to die a virgin?" she asked.
"Not anymore. ...Why, would you offer to help me do something about that?"
"On second thought, maybe I'll help the Doctor get the tea."
When they were alone, Harry said to Hermione, "I hate this stupid world-saving quest."
"I know," said Hermione. "Oh, as long as you're over there, could you please grab The Complete Idiot's Guide to Saving the World?"
"I might as well snog Voldemort. That might shock him into dying."
"Are you going to do something constructive, or should we just end this story on a low note?"
"Huh?"
Hermione sighed and pulled out her wand. "Quadrans vallum," she said, and the fourth wall crashed down like a void in a season finale, and that was the
end
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2007-10-07 12:13 am (UTC)-blue
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Date: 2007-10-07 12:28 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-10-07 12:25 am (UTC)Hee!
This is beyond adorable. <3!
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Date: 2007-10-07 12:27 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-10-07 12:44 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-10-07 01:34 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-10-07 12:45 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-10-07 01:35 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-10-07 02:38 am (UTC)Hee! You totally win at Harry characterisation. Great fic!
no subject
Date: 2007-10-07 02:58 am (UTC)And to think just this morning I was feeling a bit sad that Book 7 seemed to have completely killed my interest in Harry Potter fandom.
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Date: 2007-10-07 03:24 am (UTC)"There are several key differences, including the standard of insults leveled at the reader."
I love.
And...everything Harry thinks (LOL!), and your Martha, and the Doctor got his own tea, good for the Doctor! Also, I love Martha, did I mention! And Hermione, and. ^^
How fantastic. *pleased* Whee.
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Date: 2007-10-07 04:26 am (UTC)Loved it! :D
no subject
Date: 2007-10-07 04:55 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-10-07 05:10 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-10-07 05:48 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-10-07 05:57 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-10-07 06:04 am (UTC)Just so we're all clear.
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Date: 2007-10-07 08:15 am (UTC)That was fun!
no subject
Date: 2007-10-07 09:02 am (UTC)*giggles*
Mmmm, teh funny was delicious.
*runs off to squee over Russell and Jon*
no subject
Date: 2007-10-07 10:19 am (UTC)And the maid thing.
no subject
Date: 2007-10-07 03:10 pm (UTC)You'd think I would know better than to read fic at work. Everyone looks at me funny when I start giggling madly and then they want an explanation.
Still giggling,
Ana
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Date: 2007-10-07 04:51 pm (UTC)Hoorah!
no subject
Date: 2007-10-07 06:04 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-10-07 06:45 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-10-08 12:00 am (UTC)Crackalicious, baby!
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Date: 2007-10-08 07:11 am (UTC)Great work.
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Date: 2007-10-08 12:49 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-10-08 07:20 pm (UTC)BWAH.
that in no way made people look like weasels
*cackles madly*
dimensionalis transcendentalum (and effects thereof)
WIN. And I must say I especially love Hermione's single-mindedness. Double win. *cheers you on!*
no subject
Date: 2007-10-08 09:06 pm (UTC)Right, now I have to go for a snack.
no subject
Date: 2007-10-09 12:52 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-10-11 12:10 pm (UTC)