A whinge and a fic.

[lizbee]

So I'm technically the bakery's cake decorator, and my first priority every morning should be ensuring that the cream and cake products are out on the shelves.  But I'm also doing the job of three bread wenches, so cakes generally don't happen until early afternoon.  The store manager wanted them sooner than that today, but I was overdue for a break, and really wanted my lunch.  Incompetent!Manager volunteered to do cakes.  Despite my misgivings, I left him with detailed written instructions and a vague sense of impending disaster.  This was, after all, the man who turned my fondant icing into toffee -- twice.

I returned an hour later, to find cream ... everywhere.  Mixed in with the sesame seeds.  In the fondant icing.  On the bread.  On the bread tags.  In the drawer. 

Incompetent!Manager gave me an uneasy look and muttered, "I'm off for smoko ... back in twenty."

Cue cleaning.  Lots of cleaning.  There was jam all over the jam bag, which once seemed as likely as being able to wipe one's nose with one's elbow.  But considering some of the other things going on with that jam bag, I shouldn't be surprised.

Bakery of DOOOOOM!!!

I was first inclined to be angry.  Homicidal, even.  But somewhere between scraping up the dried donut crust, and finding that the vanilla essence has left a permanent stain on my hand, my sense of humour intervened.

And fic happened.



Recipe for Disaster
by Teh Lizbee

Summary: This bears no resemblance to canon at all, but there are characters named Potter, Snape and Lovegood.  Among others.  Along with pies, cakes, bread and a vague squid reference.  Owes a massive debt to junediamanti's "Hogwarts School of Cleverness and Culture", because ... well, you'll see.

Beta'd by lydaclunas, who has actually outdone herself with the innuendo this time.





1.

Harry spotted Snape moving through the classroom, and pretended to concentrate on his mixture.  Too late.  Snape caught his eye, and prowled towards his workpench with a cruel smile.

Harry glanced desperately at Hermione's workbench, but she had already finished the assigned task, and was now working on a triple cream sponge cake.  Ron, on his other side, had produced a passable loaf of wholemeal bread, which Snape was at this moment assigning an A.  Harry wished the dungeons had windows, so he could see the pigs flying outside. 

It just wasn't fair.  Cookery classes?  He wasn't sure who to blame: Dumbledore, for his unpredictable whims, or Snape, for teaching at such an advanced level that they'd completed the seventh year curriculum early.  Baking!  Bread!  Harry scowled at his assembled ingredients and sighed.

Stupid Dumbledore.

Hermione gave him a sympathetic look, which unfortunately attracted Snape's attention.  He moved past Harry and contemplated Hermione's cake, which she had decorated with a copy the Sistine Chapel's ceiling, created in red, green and pink piping jelly.

"Ten points from Gryffindor, Granger," he said, "for being an appalling show-off.  And another ten for your complete inability to portray the human figure." 

Hermione looked resigned.

"Now," said Snape, "Potter.  I distinctly remember telling you to add two drops of strawberry flavouring.  Not one.  Not three.  Certainly not," his voice dropped, "a capful."

Harry said nothing.

"So I ask myself, Potter, if you added only two drops ... why is your fondant bright magenta?"

Harry attempted to look innocent.  Snape was obviously preparing himself for the verbal evisceration followed by points-docking, and Harry always got worried when Snape looked that happy.  Malfoy looked up from his pain au chocolat to smirk.

Then Neville's dough exploded. 

Snape turned, already launching into a tirade that began, "Foolish boy, how many times have I told you not to let the dough stand too long?"  Harry quietly pulled out his wand and charmed the icing to a respectable shade of pale pink.

Stupid Dumbledore, he thought.


2.

"Professor Snape?"

"Lovegood."  Snape didn't deign to look up from the paper he was writing.  Attempting to write.  "Can I help you, or do you plan to spend the evening hovering in my doorway?"

Lovegood took two steps forward.  She held a covered dish in her hands.  It smelt, Snape noticed unwillingly, delicious.

"I finished your task."

"Dumbledore's task."  Stupid Dumbledore, he thought.

"Yes, well..." For a moment, it looked like Lovegood was thinking the same thing.  "I finished.  It was very interesting, in the end."

She placed the dish on his desk, and Snape uncovered it carefully.  A pie.  Golden-brown crust, covered with sugar and an intricate pattern of interlocked tentacles.  Faintly horrifying, that.  He could only imagine the kind of peculiar culinary variations Lovegood could inflict on an innocent pie.  Still, this one seemed quite ... normal.  Snape carefully cut himself a slice and took a bite.  A small bite.

"It's an apple pie," said Lovegood helpfully.

"Apple."

"With a hint of rhubarb.  My mother used to make it that way."

"Just rhubarb?"

"I used an orange rind, as well."

"A blood orange."

"Why, yes."  Lovegood's eyes grew even wider.  He hadn't thought it possible. "I hadn't expected anyone to spot it."  She looked like she was about to launch into one of her peculiar monologues.  Snape cut her off.

"Ten points from Ravenclaw for unauthorised experimentation," he said.  "And for being wilfully eccentric.  I shall, of course, have to confiscate your pie."

"Of course," she agreed.  "Although I should think that 'wilfully eccentric' would better describe Cornelius Fudge's relationship with his house elves..."

She fell silent as Snape stared her down.

"I shall have to confiscate the recipe, too," he said.

"If you like.  I made most of it up as I went along, though."

"Write it down.  I shall find a -- secure place for this pie."

"Yes, Professor." 

Snape paused in the doorway, the still-warm pie in his hands.  "Oh, and Lovegood?"

"Yes?"

"Your next task is to create custard tarts.  Even you cannot find much to alter there."

Lovegood pondered the matter.  "Custard tarts with apple?" she suggested.

"That would be acceptable.  See to it."  Snape swept out, then paused, reconsidered and returned.  "Good pie," he said.

The very faintest hint of a smile touched Lovegood's lips.  "Thank you, sir."

Comments

[phaballa.livejournal.com]

"Of course," she agreed.  "Although I should think that 'wilfully eccentric' would better describe Cornelius Fudge's relationship with his house elves..."

Hirlarious. I do love Luna when she's well-written. Very amusing. see? Your job as bread wench does pay off.

[lizbee.livejournal.com]

It has its small compensations. For some reason, all my Luna fic is somehow related to bakeries. I wrote a series of Snape/Luna drabbles in a bakery fridge last year...

[phaballa.livejournal.com]

ooOO. Snape/Luna is not a pairing I have ever erally considered before. But anything written when one is supposed to be working is alright by me, particularly considering that your bosses seem to be largely incompetent.

[lizbee.livejournal.com]

Heh. Last year, synaesthete7 absently said something about the total lack of Snape/Luna in this world. So I, along with a few others, decided to rectify that, and I discovered that I really love writing Luna...

[zoepaleologa.livejournal.com]

A tale of derring-do and patisserrie.

The Sistine Chapel ceiling decorations were particularly inspired.

"Ten points from Gryffindor, Granger," he said, "for being an appalling show-off. And another ten for your complete inability to portray the human figure."

Giggles hysterically. Trust bloody Hermione.

I think this should be continued!

[lizbee.livejournal.com]

I think this should be continued!

At least you're not coming after me with an axe, demanding that I give your plot back.

A tale of derring-do and patisserrie.

What a subtitle!



Snape watched Longbottom's dough as it expanded at triple speed. Its thick outer crust repelled even his strongest Shrinking Charms.

"Neville's Engorgement Charm must have caused a reaction with the yeast!" Granger cried.

"Well, obviously," said Snape. "Bloody Dumbledore," he muttered, more to himself than Granger. "I'm going to die in here, and why? His bloody sweet tooth!"

Granger sniffed sanctimoniously. "Neville would never have tried this if you hadn't been so hard on his pane de casa last week."

"I stand by my comments. Most positive thing I've ever said to the boy."

"You said his bread was more like a doorstop, and that not even fit for a house elf!"

[zoepaleologa.livejournal.com]

Oh, added to memories, too.

[miss-smell.livejournal.com]

haha, i love this :D
and i'm not even one who normally reads fic!

[maarc.livejournal.com]

I think your whinge is fully justified, have at it! That mustn't have been easy for you, to get anything but royally pissed. That must have taken a lot of self-control, I don't think I could have done that myself. It really does sound like the bakery of doom!

Having not read HP, my tastes running elsewhere, I have no basis for criticism as to reality and what not, but your work reads well and smoothly, it's nicely written, well done!

[lizbee.livejournal.com]

Crit from a non-fandom person is always welcome, since you don't have the same preconceptions as the others. Thank you!

[wierdgurl30.livejournal.com]

Not relating to this post but posting here so you definatly know -

I know your into elektra - well it looks like there's a movie

url - http://www.elektramovie.com/

enjoy

[lizbee.livejournal.com]

*evil grin* I know -- I've been following it for ages. Lookit my icon!

[wierdgurl30.livejournal.com]

very nice :P

Just thought I'd pass that on in case you hadn't yet heard. I must go see it when it comes out - it looks like it will be quite good ... even for a ninja movie ...

[luthien.livejournal.com]

This is great fun! Thanks. I particularly liked the exchange between Snape and Luna, and the recurring theme of "Stupid Dumbledore".

[privatemaladict.livejournal.com]

Smirk. Your bakery sounds like such a fun workplace... /sarcasm.

Love the fic, especially the Sistine Chapel bit. :)

[hedda62.livejournal.com]

Then Neville's dough exploded.

Ha! Oh, what fun. Custard tarts. With apple.

Stupid Dumbledore.

And what is is about the bakeries you end up working in? Or are all Australian bakeries scenes of horror? (I smell investigative journalism...)

[kerravonsen]

no, lizbee seems to be batting one out of three -- there was the shiny bakery after all...

[hedda62.livejournal.com]

Ah, yes; the Shiny Bakery. Like a beacon of hope.

[rj-anderson.livejournal.com]

Bwah! And again I say, bwah!

Loved the Sistine Chapel bit. And the tentacles (I was deeply afraid it was going to be a squid pie: though really, I should have known better).

[lizbee.livejournal.com]

Don't even say such a thing! *horrified*

[absurdwords.livejournal.com]

I got here via junediamanti.

Lovely fic. I needed something like this today.

I used to work in a bakery. Actually, all the jobs I've ever had had something to do with food. Last summer I worked in the kitchen of an elderly people's home. It was bloody hot and the cook decided to make lemonade. So we poured syrup and fizzy water into buckets. Then the cook said: "let's give it a good stir." Stirring like a madman in a 10 litre bucket of fizzy water is a bad idea. It sort of went off like a bomb. Green lemonade flavoured foam all over the kitchen. It seems like things like that always happen in kitchens or bakeries.

[oceansound.livejournal.com]

Excuse me for being a dunce, but I don't get it. Fizzy water is just a carbonated beverage, right? Carbonate IV acid reacts to form carbon dioxide and water- shouldn't it just bubble? Was it in a closed system so that the pressure of the CO2 could build? Maybe I should try this for myself lol...

[absurdwords.livejournal.com]

It's like shaking coke bottles very very hard and then opening them, but a hundred times worse. It just bubbles, but how.... XD

[yahtzee63.livejournal.com]

Hee! Funny stuff.

[neotoma.livejournal.com]

I shall find a -- secure place for this pie.

It'll be pretty secure in his stomach, won't it?

Luna is wonderfully weird here, and Snape is suitably confuzzled by her.

Poor Harry, though. And poor Neville. I do like that Ron is competent at baking -- he seems to do good enough in Potions, after all.

[cesario.livejournal.com]

BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

Oh wow, I'm smiling. I'm smiling big and feeling happy. Happiness!fic. Why is there not more? With pie?

*wants a piece of Luna's pie*

[kerravonsen]

this just demonstrates the saying that creativity is sublimated aggression
(grin)
and halo on you for keeping temper

[lavinialavender.livejournal.com]

Well, it certainly made me laugh. Brilliant idea!

[gobi-rex.livejournal.com]

I'm here via junediamanti's rec.

Hilarious story. I believe I've been conditioned to think of Stupid Dumbledore every time I see a cake.

[mark356.livejournal.com]

That sounds like a seriously sucky day. *hugs*

However, the fic is fabulous! Of course Dumbledore suddenly deciding to have cooking taught makes no sense, but it's a hilarious concept, and you have written exactly how Snape would teach it. And Snape confiscating the pie while trying to hide how much he loves it is just wonderful, plus much love goes to Luna and her squid-topped pie!

[hlfchcknhlfsqrl.livejournal.com]

"Ten points from Ravenclaw for unauthorised experimentation," he said. "And for being wilfully eccentric. I shall, of course, have to confiscate your pie."

i am adding you to my friends list. you are awesome possume