PH34R MY GENIUS! Or, a quick House/HP crossover of the crackfic variety.

[lizbee]

Context: I was trawling around FF.net, as one does, when I came across this summary: Cameron's neice gets raped and beaten...then she gets runned over then she gets sick. The team want and need to get to the bottom of it.

Clearly, this was a badfic opportunity not to be missed. So I clicked the link, and began reading the thrilling adventures of Cameron's nieces and nephew.

Of her nephew, at one point, we get the description, To Cameron, he looked a bit arrogant and she thought about locking him in a closet.

This prompted baggers to ask the very reasonable question, Is Cameron a Dursley now?

There was no fighting it. Fic had to happen.

A Slap in the Face to all Right-Thinking Fen Everywhere
by LizBee





A Slap in the Face to all Right-Thinking Fen Everywhere
by LizBee




"Vernon, Dudders, this is my long-lost American half-sister, Allison." Petunia dropped her voice. "Daddy had a secretary, you see."

"Is she a freak too?" Vernon demanded. He peered at Allison as if expecting her to sprout another head. She looked around nervously, as though she was expecting a giant hand to come out of nowhere and slap her.

Then a giant hand came out of nowhere and slapped her.

"POTTER!" yelled Vernon.

"I DIDN'T DO IT!" yelled Harry.

"I'LL GIVE YOU 'DIDN'T DO IT'!"

While this capslock family moment was taking place, Dudley helped Allison up off the floor, picking her pocket in the process. Her purse yielded two credit cards, a tenner and a photo of a grumpy looking man with a cane. The picture had a grainy quality, as if it had been printed from a surveillance camera. Around the man's head, someone had drawn little hearts.

Vernon was attempting to shove Harry's head in the oven -- "Not to worry, dear," he was saying to Petunia, "it'll look like suicide, see?" -- when Dumbledore appeared.

"Ah," he said. "The Ministry detected a rather powerful spell coming from your house. I thought it best to avert another expulsion."

"Aren't you dead?" Harry asked from inside the oven.

"Goodness, no." Dumbledore's blue eyes twinkled. "But the Board of Governors were threatening to cut my retirement package, and I thought it best to make a hasty exit before they noticed I'd been embezzling the Orphans and House Elves Fund. Also, life insurance."

"Oh."

"Now, about that spell... The Metaphysical Slap, we call it." He shook Allison's hand. "Or, as my brother prefers, the 'Transdimensional Spanking'."

"Er," said Allison. "That's not very nice."

"Life's not very nice, dear. And you obviously pissed someone off good and proper. Probably slinking around looking heartsick, or slipping Viagra into someone's coffee? Mmmm?"

"You ... know Doctor House?"

"Know him? Taught him! Gryffindor, class of '79. Lovely chap. Voldemort had his eye on him, you know, so he moved to America, pretended to be a Muggle and became a doctor. Best Chaser the Gryffindors'd had since 1942."

"Oh."
"Shame he left. Was going to be an Auror. Good friends with Mad Eye Moody, as I recall. And a dab hand at the old Slap. I remember, you couldn't get through a breakfast some days, without some Slytherin going flying across the table." Dumbledore wiped a nostalgic tear from his eye. "Well, usually Severus. Something about that boy just seems to demand slapping. Rather like yourself, my dear. Well," he drained a glass of Uncle Vernon's best scotch, which no one had noticed him pouring, "must be off. I'm judging a wet t-shirt competition in Leeds, and then a best ankles contest in Puddlemere. And charging them all for the privilege. It's a good life, being dead. Do get out of that oven, Harry, you can't destroy Voldemort if you've been roasted. Pip pip!"

Dumbledore swept out, leaving a silent room behind him. The family stared at the table.

To break the quiet, Dudley looked up and said, "I'm gay."

"That's nice, dear," said Aunt Petunia.

end

Comments

[krazykitkat.livejournal.com]

The team want and need to get to the bottom of it.

I'm no doctor, but maybe the rape, beating and runninged over has something to do with it...

[lizbee.livejournal.com]

That was definitely my cunning plan, but I was so distracted by my own fic that I forgot to read it and find out.

[krazykitkat.livejournal.com]

You are wise.

[zoepaleologa.livejournal.com]

I'm laughing too hard to make a coherent comment.

Vernon was attempting to shove Harry's head in the oven -- "Not to worry, dear," he was saying to Petunia, "it'll look like suicide, see?" -- when Dumbledore appeared.

Just - dies and then:

"Goodness, no." Dumbledore's blue eyes twinkled. "But the Board of Governors were threatening to cut my retirement package, and I thought it best to make a hasty exit before they noticed I'd been embezzling the Orphans and House Elves Fund. Also, life insurance."

*splutters* and finally, the coup de grace:

"Or, as my brother prefers, the 'Transdimensional Spanking'."

*dies*

[lizbee.livejournal.com]

*peers*

Don't be dead! You and fernwithy are the only meta writers I can read and not want to murder!

*calls fandom paramedics*

[zoepaleologa.livejournal.com]

Now you're making me sulk because I do not intersperse my "Why I think X is a good guy" posts with proof from Babylonian Cuneiform arcana, as to why the Death Eaters have a point or seventeen:

"If we take the Epic of Gilgamesh as a guide (though I would urge you not to depend on the translations - they can be unreliable as to metaphor), we can see that the semiology of Draco using the cabinet to allow the DE to invade Hogwarts... (cuts seventeen pages of droning of same sort of thing...) and besides, that Jason Isaacs is dead hot."

[rj-anderson.livejournal.com]

The picture had a grainy quality, as if it had been printed from a surveillance camera. Around the man's head, someone had drawn little hearts.

I <3 you so much. Also, I have ruptured my spleen laughing and I am sending you the medical bill.

[lizbee.livejournal.com]

*peers at your speen in consternation*

*fixes it with Sellotape and Blue-Tac*

[penwiper26.livejournal.com]

You make me laugh so, so much. I loved that! *rolls*

[lizbee.livejournal.com]

Thanks!

*rolls you down a hill*

[lastscorpion.livejournal.com]

That's hilarious! I especially liked the ending!

[lizbee.livejournal.com]

Thanks! *grin*

[melwil.livejournal.com]

Heee!!

That's brilliant *g*

(Need a Hugh Laurie in Spooks icon)

[lizbee.livejournal.com]

Yes. Yes you do.

Thank you!

[ladyrazorsharp.livejournal.com]

*dies*

Awesome.

[lizbee.livejournal.com]

*revives you*

Thanks!

[kismeteve.livejournal.com]

"Goodness, no." Dumbledore's blue eyes twinkled. "But the Board of Governors were threatening to cut my retirement package, and I thought it best to make a hasty exit before they noticed I'd been embezzling the Orphans and House Elves Fund. Also, life insurance."

*collapses with laughter*

[lizbee.livejournal.com]

*revives and resuscitates*

[roga.livejournal.com]

Just found this (thank you, tags).

To break the quiet, Dudley looked up and said, "I'm gay."

I couldn't believe the last line made me laugh harder than the rest of the fic. Absolutely hilarious! Thank you :-)

[gunderpants.livejournal.com]

I LOLLED.

[angelfirenze.livejournal.com]

That was fantastic. If I wasn't so tired, I'd be giggling merrily. I loved what you write House doing while at Hogwarts. I can certainly see Sev needing a slapping charm to shut him up every once in a while.

If you're looking for a House/Harry Potter crossover, yourself, I've been writing one called 'Excuse' that examines House's time at and after Hogwarts from several different angles.

If you're interested, it's available in my memories. I'd love to know what you thought of it.

[bloodrebel333.livejournal.com]

House/Moody. House/Moody. I - think my life is complete.