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lizbeeIt's All Fun and Games Until Someone Loses an Eye-stalk
Summary: A slightly different version of how things went in "Doomsday". By 'slightly' I mean 'completely'.
Rated: K for Krack
Spoilers: ...AoG/Doomsday. Really.
It's All Fun and Games Until Someone Loses an Eye-stalk
by LizBee
From The Very Secret Diary of Romanadvoratrelundar, President of Gallifrey, Keeper of the Wisdom of Rassilon Along with Assorted Accoutrements, Wearer of Silly Hats, etc.
Day 12, 393,848 of the Time War (I think)
Alcohol units: 6
Witty yet cutting remarks: 17
Underlings reduced to crying like little Time Tots: 16 (Cardinal Relsedan surprisingly tough)
Daleks blown up: 4 (v. good)
Decades of history wiped out of existence: 4 (v. bad. Rassilon would not approve, probably)
Memo to self: Ordering the Doctor to end the Time War "by any means at any cost" v. bad idea. Should have seen inevitable destruction of planet and civilisation coming. He probably thought it was funny. Hope his next regeneration has a squint. And limp.
Further memo to self: Fleeing to nearest void ship v. good idea. Failing to check for previous inhabitants v. bad.
Also: Master = v. poor company. Black Dalek even more so. Extermination seems inevitable. Irony v. distressing.
(Irony? Poss. poetic justice?)
(Really, who cares?)
Day 3 in the Void Ship (I think)
Alcohol units: 0 (v. bad)
Witty yet cutting remarks: too many to number
Underlings reduced to crying like little Time Tots: 0
Underlings: 0
Daleks blown up: 0 (v. depressing)
Decades of history wiped out of existence: 0 (def. improvement)
Apparently, the Master cares about irony vs. poetic justice. Along with scansion, grammar and the proper construction of the haiku.
Am not yet certain what the Black Dalek cares about. Exterminating, presumably.
Still not exterminated.
Day 29 in the Void Ship (I think)
Alcohol units: 0 (am considering building a still out of Black Dalek)
Witty yet cutting remarks: is there even any point?
Daleks blown up: 0 (v. depressing)
Attempts to bribe Black Dalek to exterminate Master: 3
Still not exterminated.
Passed the time swapping Davros stories with Black Dalek. It does marvellous impressions. Who knew?
Master now wandering around laughing at nothing and muttering things like "He'll suffer for this into his thirteenth regeneration". Cannot bring self to disagree.
*
"That! Is! A! Proper! Noun!" The Black Dalek's eye-stalk waved frantically. "It! Is! Against! The! Rules!"
"I'm afraid I have to agree," said Romana. "Really, Master. Cheating at Scrabble. I'm shocked."
He stared.
"Really?"
"No," she admitted, "but it seemed like the thing to say." She examined her tiles and spelled out D-O-C-T-O-R.
"That," said the Master, "is a low blow."
*
Day 87 in the Void Ship (I think)
Triple word scores: 7
Revenges plotted against Doctor: 2 and a half (still fine-tuning business with the Sontaran & the ginger beer)
A human once said that hell is other people. Or so Doctor claimed. Concept equally applicable to void.
(Query: Black Dalek != person?)
(Master = person now? Have clearly been here too long)
*
"The thing is," said Romana, "I'm just not going to run around calling you 'Master'. It makes me feel like K9, and I swore off that sort of thing after that body-swapping incident in E-Space."
The Master sighed. "'The war or the vaporisation chamber,' you said. I'm beginning to think I made the wrong choice."
"Only!? Beginning!?" the Black Dalek asked.
"Quiet," both Time Lords said.
The Black Dalek's eye-stalk drooped sadly.
"So from now on," said Romana, "I'm just going to call you Fred."
"I see it now," said Fred-the-Master. "I should have just given it up at the start and become a bureaucrat like everyone wanted. A nice desk and some robes and a hat. That's all I should have asked for."
The Black Dalek patted his arm with its plunger.
"I! Wanted! To! Go! Into! Plumbing!" it said.
*
Day 135 in the Void Ship (I think)
Master and Black Dalek currently singing drinking songs. Black Dalek worse singer than K9. Hate everyone and want to regenerate.
All void and no time makes Romana a dull girl. All void and no time makes Romana a dull girl. All void and no time makes Romana a dull girl. All void and no time makes Romana a dull girl. All void and no time makes Romana a dull girl. All void and no time makes Romana a dull girl. All void and no time makes Romana a dull girl. All void and no time makes Romana a dull girl.
*
"Maybe it's just the way your skin reflects the light from the Black Dalek's eye-stalk," said the Master, "but sometimes, you almost seem ... attractive."
Romana stared at him.
"No. Wait. It was a trick of the light."
"Thank Rassilon," said Romana.
*
Day 173 in the Void Ship (I think)
Perhaps if I asked very nicely, the Black Dalek would exterminate me? Or better yet, the Master? And then itself?
Day 174 in the Void Ship (I think)
Black Dalek says it has come to consider Master & I as surrogate parents. Has received new lease on life. Reformed character. Wants to give up extermination and begin new existence as garden sculpture. Poss. some kind of fountain.
All void and no time makes Romana a dull girl. All void and no time makes Romana a dull girl. All void and no time makes Romana a dull girl. All void and no time makes Romana a dull girl. All void and no time makes Romana a dull girl. All void and no time makes Romana a dull girl. All void and no time makes Romana a dull girl. All void and no time makes Romana a dull girl.
*
"Do you have a Cardinal of Rassilon?"
Romana sighed. "Go fish."
"I hate it when you sigh like that?"
"Like what? I don't sigh. Not in any particular way."
"It's a very distinct kind of sigh. Filled with existential angst and a rather tedious kind of superiority complex."
"That," said Romana coldly, "is entirely untrue."
"Untrue! You probably spent years honing it. Practiced on the Doctor, I imagine."
The Black Dalek rotated on the spot. "I! Hate! It! When! You! Argue!" it said.
Romana took a deep breath and exhaled it in a manner that was entirely unrelated to a sigh.
The Black Dalek settled.
"Do! You! Have! A! Three Of! Omega?!" it asked.
"I need a drink," said Romana.
*
"So ... said the Master as he surveyed Torchwood, "this is an entire organisation dedicated to thwarting the Doctor."
"Yes," said Yvonne. "Although we're a bit tied up with Cybermen just at the moment."
"Oh, them."
"Yes," said the Doctor, "them."
"Sorry," said Rose to Romana, "but he said he was the last one. Like, the absolute last one."
"Oh well. No one's perfect." Romana gave the Doctor her sweetest smile. "For example, I remember I once asked the Doctor to do one little thing for me, and when I turned around, he'd destroyed our planet."
The Doctor scratched his nose. "You did say--"
"I didn't mean it literally!"
"It's been done, you know," said the Master to Yvonne. "The whole 'anti-Doctor organisation' thing, I mean. The Rani and I did it back in third grade."
"You're very insane, aren't you?" said Yvonne.
"Pretty much."
"No! One! Is! Paying! Attention! To! Me!" said the Black Dalek sadly.
Romana patted his plunger.
"Don't worry," she said. "Exterminate these Cybermen, and then we'll find you a nice garden somewhere."
"Sometimes! I! Think! You! Only! Love! Me! For! My! Exterminating! Skills!"
"Nonsense. We have a layered and complex relationship."
Slightly heartened, the Black Dalek trundled off to save the world.
"This makes no sense at all," said Jackie.
The Master nudged Romana. "Sign this," he said. "Yvonne says I have just the kind of erratic ego-maniacal genius Torchwood needs, but I have to produce a signed recommendation from a senior government official."
Romana skimmed the form. "But you've written the recommendation already."
"Just sign there."
She stared. "You'll destroy the universe but you won't forge my signature?"
"Oh," said the Master, "good point."
"I need a stiff drink," said Jackie.
"I've been saying that since Gallifrey exploded," said Romana.
"Does the universe feel broken to you?" asked the Doctor, "or just this little piece of it."
"Don't worry," said Romana, "it will all make sense in the morning."
"Really?"
"Probably not, but it seemed like the thing to say."
The Black Dalek returned. "Cybermen! Are! Exterminated!"
"Oh, lovely," said the Master. He turned to Yvonne. "So, about this corner office..."
"I need a drink," said the Doctor.
"I'll buy you a ginger beer," Romana offered.
"I need lots of drinks," said Rose.
Romana tucked her arm through Rose's. "Let's go to the beach," she said.
So they did. The end.
Summary: A slightly different version of how things went in "Doomsday". By 'slightly' I mean 'completely'.
Rated: K for Krack
Spoilers: ...AoG/Doomsday. Really.
It's All Fun and Games Until Someone Loses an Eye-stalk
by LizBee
From The Very Secret Diary of Romanadvoratrelundar, President of Gallifrey, Keeper of the Wisdom of Rassilon Along with Assorted Accoutrements, Wearer of Silly Hats, etc.
Day 12, 393,848 of the Time War (I think)
Alcohol units: 6
Witty yet cutting remarks: 17
Underlings reduced to crying like little Time Tots: 16 (Cardinal Relsedan surprisingly tough)
Daleks blown up: 4 (v. good)
Decades of history wiped out of existence: 4 (v. bad. Rassilon would not approve, probably)
Memo to self: Ordering the Doctor to end the Time War "by any means at any cost" v. bad idea. Should have seen inevitable destruction of planet and civilisation coming. He probably thought it was funny. Hope his next regeneration has a squint. And limp.
Further memo to self: Fleeing to nearest void ship v. good idea. Failing to check for previous inhabitants v. bad.
Also: Master = v. poor company. Black Dalek even more so. Extermination seems inevitable. Irony v. distressing.
(Irony? Poss. poetic justice?)
(Really, who cares?)
Day 3 in the Void Ship (I think)
Alcohol units: 0 (v. bad)
Witty yet cutting remarks: too many to number
Underlings reduced to crying like little Time Tots: 0
Underlings: 0
Daleks blown up: 0 (v. depressing)
Decades of history wiped out of existence: 0 (def. improvement)
Apparently, the Master cares about irony vs. poetic justice. Along with scansion, grammar and the proper construction of the haiku.
Am not yet certain what the Black Dalek cares about. Exterminating, presumably.
Still not exterminated.
Day 29 in the Void Ship (I think)
Alcohol units: 0 (am considering building a still out of Black Dalek)
Witty yet cutting remarks: is there even any point?
Daleks blown up: 0 (v. depressing)
Attempts to bribe Black Dalek to exterminate Master: 3
Still not exterminated.
Passed the time swapping Davros stories with Black Dalek. It does marvellous impressions. Who knew?
Master now wandering around laughing at nothing and muttering things like "He'll suffer for this into his thirteenth regeneration". Cannot bring self to disagree.
*
"That! Is! A! Proper! Noun!" The Black Dalek's eye-stalk waved frantically. "It! Is! Against! The! Rules!"
"I'm afraid I have to agree," said Romana. "Really, Master. Cheating at Scrabble. I'm shocked."
He stared.
"Really?"
"No," she admitted, "but it seemed like the thing to say." She examined her tiles and spelled out D-O-C-T-O-R.
"That," said the Master, "is a low blow."
*
Day 87 in the Void Ship (I think)
Triple word scores: 7
Revenges plotted against Doctor: 2 and a half (still fine-tuning business with the Sontaran & the ginger beer)
A human once said that hell is other people. Or so Doctor claimed. Concept equally applicable to void.
(Query: Black Dalek != person?)
(Master = person now? Have clearly been here too long)
*
"The thing is," said Romana, "I'm just not going to run around calling you 'Master'. It makes me feel like K9, and I swore off that sort of thing after that body-swapping incident in E-Space."
The Master sighed. "'The war or the vaporisation chamber,' you said. I'm beginning to think I made the wrong choice."
"Only!? Beginning!?" the Black Dalek asked.
"Quiet," both Time Lords said.
The Black Dalek's eye-stalk drooped sadly.
"So from now on," said Romana, "I'm just going to call you Fred."
"I see it now," said Fred-the-Master. "I should have just given it up at the start and become a bureaucrat like everyone wanted. A nice desk and some robes and a hat. That's all I should have asked for."
The Black Dalek patted his arm with its plunger.
"I! Wanted! To! Go! Into! Plumbing!" it said.
*
Day 135 in the Void Ship (I think)
Master and Black Dalek currently singing drinking songs. Black Dalek worse singer than K9. Hate everyone and want to regenerate.
All void and no time makes Romana a dull girl. All void and no time makes Romana a dull girl. All void and no time makes Romana a dull girl. All void and no time makes Romana a dull girl. All void and no time makes Romana a dull girl. All void and no time makes Romana a dull girl. All void and no time makes Romana a dull girl. All void and no time makes Romana a dull girl.
*
"Maybe it's just the way your skin reflects the light from the Black Dalek's eye-stalk," said the Master, "but sometimes, you almost seem ... attractive."
Romana stared at him.
"No. Wait. It was a trick of the light."
"Thank Rassilon," said Romana.
*
Day 173 in the Void Ship (I think)
Perhaps if I asked very nicely, the Black Dalek would exterminate me? Or better yet, the Master? And then itself?
Day 174 in the Void Ship (I think)
Black Dalek says it has come to consider Master & I as surrogate parents. Has received new lease on life. Reformed character. Wants to give up extermination and begin new existence as garden sculpture. Poss. some kind of fountain.
All void and no time makes Romana a dull girl. All void and no time makes Romana a dull girl. All void and no time makes Romana a dull girl. All void and no time makes Romana a dull girl. All void and no time makes Romana a dull girl. All void and no time makes Romana a dull girl. All void and no time makes Romana a dull girl. All void and no time makes Romana a dull girl.
*
"Do you have a Cardinal of Rassilon?"
Romana sighed. "Go fish."
"I hate it when you sigh like that?"
"Like what? I don't sigh. Not in any particular way."
"It's a very distinct kind of sigh. Filled with existential angst and a rather tedious kind of superiority complex."
"That," said Romana coldly, "is entirely untrue."
"Untrue! You probably spent years honing it. Practiced on the Doctor, I imagine."
The Black Dalek rotated on the spot. "I! Hate! It! When! You! Argue!" it said.
Romana took a deep breath and exhaled it in a manner that was entirely unrelated to a sigh.
The Black Dalek settled.
"Do! You! Have! A! Three Of! Omega?!" it asked.
"I need a drink," said Romana.
*
"So ... said the Master as he surveyed Torchwood, "this is an entire organisation dedicated to thwarting the Doctor."
"Yes," said Yvonne. "Although we're a bit tied up with Cybermen just at the moment."
"Oh, them."
"Yes," said the Doctor, "them."
"Sorry," said Rose to Romana, "but he said he was the last one. Like, the absolute last one."
"Oh well. No one's perfect." Romana gave the Doctor her sweetest smile. "For example, I remember I once asked the Doctor to do one little thing for me, and when I turned around, he'd destroyed our planet."
The Doctor scratched his nose. "You did say--"
"I didn't mean it literally!"
"It's been done, you know," said the Master to Yvonne. "The whole 'anti-Doctor organisation' thing, I mean. The Rani and I did it back in third grade."
"You're very insane, aren't you?" said Yvonne.
"Pretty much."
"No! One! Is! Paying! Attention! To! Me!" said the Black Dalek sadly.
Romana patted his plunger.
"Don't worry," she said. "Exterminate these Cybermen, and then we'll find you a nice garden somewhere."
"Sometimes! I! Think! You! Only! Love! Me! For! My! Exterminating! Skills!"
"Nonsense. We have a layered and complex relationship."
Slightly heartened, the Black Dalek trundled off to save the world.
"This makes no sense at all," said Jackie.
The Master nudged Romana. "Sign this," he said. "Yvonne says I have just the kind of erratic ego-maniacal genius Torchwood needs, but I have to produce a signed recommendation from a senior government official."
Romana skimmed the form. "But you've written the recommendation already."
"Just sign there."
She stared. "You'll destroy the universe but you won't forge my signature?"
"Oh," said the Master, "good point."
"I need a stiff drink," said Jackie.
"I've been saying that since Gallifrey exploded," said Romana.
"Does the universe feel broken to you?" asked the Doctor, "or just this little piece of it."
"Don't worry," said Romana, "it will all make sense in the morning."
"Really?"
"Probably not, but it seemed like the thing to say."
The Black Dalek returned. "Cybermen! Are! Exterminated!"
"Oh, lovely," said the Master. He turned to Yvonne. "So, about this corner office..."
"I need a drink," said the Doctor.
"I'll buy you a ginger beer," Romana offered.
"I need lots of drinks," said Rose.
Romana tucked her arm through Rose's. "Let's go to the beach," she said.
So they did. The end.
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no subject
Date: 2006-10-16 12:11 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-10-20 12:34 pm (UTC)*grin* You really want to know? It's not so much a process as a pattern:
1. Have random amusing thought. File it away for possible use as one-line joke in LJ.
2. Suddenly find dialogue and possibly situation based on idea in head. Where did it come from? The idea has simply grown.
3. Dialogue keeps growing.
4. Write down dialogue, filling in gaps with exposition that suits the scenes.
It sounds less than magical put down like that, but this is the way it usually goes with comedic fics. Dramatic fics follow much the same pattern, but are more likely to have scenes as well as dialogue appearing apparently out of nowhere.
no subject
Date: 2006-10-16 12:37 pm (UTC)BearLiz, I do love you so.*will be grinning like a dog over this all day*
no subject
Date: 2006-10-20 12:35 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-10-16 01:52 pm (UTC)"Sometimes! I! Think! You! Only! Love! Me! For! My! Exterminating! Skills!"
"Nonsense. We have a layered and complex relationship."
Damn, that should be a t-shirt.
no subject
Date: 2006-10-20 12:38 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-10-16 02:46 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-10-20 12:38 pm (UTC)I know! Totally!Thanks!no subject
Date: 2006-10-16 03:11 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-10-20 12:39 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-10-16 04:12 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-10-20 12:43 pm (UTC)AWESOME!
Press: "So, Liz, what can we expect from Doctor Who under your control?"
Liz: "First, I believe the correct term is 'benevolent' control. As for what you can expect -- as the first female show-runner since the sixties, I'm planning lots of babies. In fact, each week we'll be revisiting an old companion and meeting her grown child. How many young English actors bear a freakish resemblance to old Doctors? You'll be amazed!
"Also, squid. Aliens. Stuff with explosions. Romano-Briton zombies in Oxford. They're in ur headz, eating ur brainz. David Tennant spends an entire episode in his undies. We're going for a new, intellectual Who."
no subject
Date: 2006-10-20 02:31 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-10-20 09:37 pm (UTC)And they would be AWESOME! Because certain Romano-Celts had their heads removed after death, probably to befuddle late twentieth century archaeologists. So we'd have tons of leathery headless zombies! And heads from pagan statues turning up under early Christian churches, but they turn out to be alien artifacts that are, like, controlling the zombies. And then the Doctor comes along in 1987, when it's all being excavated to make way for a shopping centre, and there's chaos and 80s hair!
no subject
Date: 2006-10-16 07:55 pm (UTC)coherence ftw.
no subject
Date: 2006-10-20 12:43 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-10-17 04:03 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-10-20 12:45 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-10-17 03:17 pm (UTC)Brilliant! Hilarious!
no subject
Date: 2006-10-17 10:02 pm (UTC)hahaha, I love CRACK! This is awesome. You are hi-larious and brilliant.
no subject
Date: 2006-10-18 01:06 pm (UTC)(am considering building a still out of Black Dalek)
BWAH
"That! Is! A! Proper! Noun!"
HAH
"I'm just not going to run around calling you 'Master'. It makes me feel like K9, and I swore off that sort of thing after that body-swapping incident in E-Space."
HEEH
Wants to give up extermination and begin new existence as garden sculpture. Poss. some kind of fountain.
SPORFLE
"It's been done, you know," said the Master to Yvonne. "The whole 'anti-Doctor organisation' thing, I mean. The Rani and I did it back in third grade."
eehheheehehehehhheeee!
This is beautiful. Masterpiece. Work of art. Magneefeeco. Applesauce.
no subject
Date: 2008-04-13 05:20 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-04-13 06:20 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-11-10 04:08 pm (UTC)