lizbee | Screencap Recap: "The Tudors" 1.02 (Reply)

In which Buckingham gets his comeuppance, Wolsey schemes, More is emo and Henry VIII is curiously homo-erotic. This recap has fewer, and smaller caps, largely for the sake of my sanity.

We open in France, where a HIGHLY REALISTIC CASTLE has been built for the France-England-alliance-treaty-thing-signing.

"Look, basically Showtime spent all our money on fake blood for Dexter, so this is what we've got left."

This is Princess Mary. In a few years' time, she's going to massacre a whole lot of Protestants and earn herself the nickname "Bloody Mary". Isn't she cute?

Meanwhile, the Boleyn girls have caught the eye of the King.

"So I'm going to become Henry's mistress, but he'll lose interest in me, and you'll use my l33t skillz to seduce Henry, but then he'll find out you were shagging our brother -- wait, no, that was the Philippa Gregory novel."

Now that he's been reunited with his BFF, the King of France, Henry's back to enjoying homo-erotic shaving. And I think we can all be grateful for that. CAN'T WE?

Cut to that night, where all are feasting, except for Thomas More (who is brooding) and Wolsey (who is scheming). Wait, that just means they're both awake. Never mind, carry on.

Oh hai, it's Queen Katherine! I love her so!

The two kings -- okay, let's be honest, Henry is being a douche, challenging Francois to a sexy wrestling match. "Christ," Katherine is thinking, "I can't take him anywhere, why must he always embarrass me?"

She takes the time to hold hands with the French queen.

WRESTLING. SEXY. Only not really, because JRM looks like ... I don't know, but I wouldn't have sex with it. STILL.

One of these things is not like the other.

Henry is a sore loser. Thomas is all like, "Kid, don't be a douche. You're embarrassing your wife and your country."

MOAR THOMAS TOUCHING

Gratuitous handsomeness:

Henry goes back to re-enacting popular historical romances, ie shagging Mary Boleyn.

Then, being a mature and sensible adult, he goes, "Hey Wolsey, let's go break us some treaties. Go snuggle up to Spain for me, wouldya?"

And Wolsey's all, "NOOOO, MY POPEHOOD!" but he obeys.

Henry goes for a nice sail with Thomas More, whose all, "Yeah, I even educate my daughters! You know, I foresee a day when the womens will be as well educated as men, although not paid as much. Why, one day a woman might be allowed to run for the vice presidency of America!" Henry, sadly, is too busy fanboying Machiavelli to pay attention.

This cap is just to demonstrate that Buckingham looks more like Henry than JRM.

Seriously, though, JRM freaks me out. He's got this thing where his face is all ENORMOUS EYES and GIANT JAWBONE and MASSIVE LIPS. So he's basically the male Billie Piper, only without being remotely attractive. Damn I wish Billie was in this.

Anyway, More and Wolsey are all, "WOES, OUR TREATY!!!!!1111"

And More is worried that the king doesn't love him anymore.

So Wolsey tells him that the thing about kings is, you have to give them what you love best. In More's case, this is his integrity. Wolsey is still having papal angst.

Next thing you know, it's Christmas! Wolsey is wearing a festive hat!

The queen is wearing, um, a wreath.

Thomas is wearing what he always wears.

Oh, and Lady Blount has had her baby, wee Henry FitzRoy. Check out this enormous "newborn"!

"Dear Penthouse..."

We need some more Wolsey!Plotting!

If you're good, and do as Sam Neill says, he won't come and stare into your houses and make you eat meat.

No, really. In Australia, small children are warned that if they misbehave, Sam Neill will come and take them away during the night.

Henry has donned his best curtain and set off to meet his spawn.

Apparently it really is a boy. SUPPORT THE HEAD, YOU DOUCHE.

I'm pretty sure I saw this outfit on Rihanna recently.

Cue celebrations of illegitimate spawn! Wolsey breaks out his pimp stick!

Katherine turns up, pwns everyone and leaves.

Then she mourns her inability to spawn Y chromosomes. Oh, Katherine, if only you weren't married to a douche. Come to think of it, if he'd waited a few years, she'd have died a natural death.