Screencap Recap: "The Tudors 1.04"

[lizbee]

In which the phallic frustrations of the court finally go too far. 

Remind me, everyone, why do I watch this show?

OH RIGHT!





Henry's an even bigger manwhore than usual, this episode.



For example, THAT'S HIS SISTER.



He also has scorching UST with Charles Brandon, who is escorting Margaret to Portugal. "If you love me at all, you'll care for her as you would me," says Henry. As we'll see, Charles maybe takes that a bit too far.



Thomas More has brought the news that, while the Pope approved of Henry's anti-Lutheran meta, Martin Luther called troll and told him to LURK MOAR. Henry chucks his first tantrum of the episode.



Anne is stirring his passions by not letting him shag her, also going home to the Boleyn estates. I like her puffy sleeves!



I have made a worrying discovery: while a skinny, dead-eyed pretender sits on the throne, the real Henry VIII works as a lowly guard in the Tower of London!



Wolsey: Y SO LOVESICK, YR MAJESTY?



Henry: DID U SEE HOW SHE LOOKED AT ME???

"She" meaning Anne, obviously.

MEANWHILE, ON THE WAY TO PORTUGAL...



IT R VERY CONVINCING CGI.

Back in England, Wolsey is pimping.



Literally.



"Come up to my chambers and I'll show you my Biblical engravings."



"How can one man be so pimping?"



Henry loves Thomas more than anyone. IT R CANON TRUFAX.



Young Thomas Tallis, who exists mostly to catch stray Snapefen, is being chatted up by strumpets. But he pays them no need, for he is an ARTIST, also probably gay.



I can't remember their names, but they've been in every episode. I KNOW, RIGHT? Here, they're sitting around being bored while Henry has noisy sex.



Remember that time Katherine of Aragon was a Gallifreyan cardinal?



More's theology-talk is really impeding Wolsey's pimpery.



"There he goes again, talking about religion. What is it about me that makes people think I'm religious?!"



More is exercising his pwning face.

The Wolsey/More comm, btw? Is called cardinal_sins. And that's all I'm going to say on the subject, because my brain absolutely broke when I found it yesterday, and I don't want to think about it anymore. It takes my brain into a bad place, and it's not the good kind of bad place.



"Moments before her death, Katherine of Aragon opened the curious hinged ornament that had always hung, forgotten, from her waist.

Then she died.

Romanadvoratrelundar of Gallifrey opened her eyes. It took her but a few moments to extract herself from the shrouds in which her body had been wrapped. Time enough to consider her situation, and those responsible for it.

She wondered if it would be quite ethical to set the Spanish Inquisition against her own Celestial Intervention Agency. Then she remembered how she'd been married off to that dreadful human, and the decades of humiliation, tedium and corsetry.

She really hoped they still used the thumbscrews."

Ahem.



Er, yes, and Anne Boleyn is being teased by her brother George. Because love letters from kings are one thing, but brothers are eternally obnoxious.



Natalie Dormer is so cute! Even when she's blonde!



She has a mixture of childlike playfulness and regal power that would be quite nice in, say, a Time Lady.

WHAT?



At the jousting, Henry's offsiders are having, um, compensation issues.

Actually, they're trying to impress Henry with their phallic symbols.

...I'M NOT MAKING THIS UP, OKAY?



Wolsey and More have no need for such games.



TENDER MARITAL MOMENT



I paused on this shot for ages, as piecesofalice came home from work and I stopped to talk to her. And after a while, JRM's cold, dead eyes began to scare me. Oh, you laugh, but you haven't seen it in full-screen.



EN ROUTE TO PORTUGAL, Margaret and Charles Brandon are resolving their sexual tension. HE'S THINKING OF HENRY, REALLY.



LOOK AT THAT GIRL ON THE LEFT! She looks like a dissatisfied retail assistant. Possibly from a Renaissance Faire. I love her.



President Katherinedvoratrelundar is going to cut you, Henry, I'm just saying.



Possibly aware of his impending death-by-Time-Lady, Henry seeks solace in the arms of other men.



I can't remember this guy's name, but Henry totally wants to do him.



Elsewhere, Comic Book Guy has turned up to preach Lutheranism. "Catholicism? Worst. Religion. Ever."



Wolsey's new protege is unimpressed. He has a cruel mouth. I hate him.



The timeline for this series is quite compresed, so Henry and Anne have to combine UST with foreshadowing.



Margaret and Charles are still re-enacting a bad romance novel.



The moral of this episode is that the Portuguese are SCARY.



So, Henry's all, "What do you mean, we cannot jump over this water-filled ditch? LET THE WORLD SEE WHAT THE KING OF ENGLAND CAN DO! WHILE I HOLD THIS RIGID PIECE OF WOOD IN FRONT OF MY CROTCH!"



This does not end well. However, this may well be the GREATEST MOMENT in the entire series. Sad, I know, that it's peaked so soon, but what can you do?

Also, if there is even a remote chance that you may end up in a pond, never, ever wear a heavy leather jerkin studded with metal. Not only will you look like a refugee from a bad bondage fic, but you might drown.



Henry's disquieted. "I almost died!"



"WHY, GOD, WHY? I HAVEN'T EVEN HAD A CHANCE TO LEARN HOW TO PASS FOR A LIVING HUMAN! I mean, FATHER SONS! Wolsey, I want a divorce."



"But ... but I thought we were making it work!"



"Is it the pimping? I can change! I can pimp more! Or less! Anything you want!"



"Wait. You ... want a divorce from Katherine."



"Let's ... move on."



Blah blah, Portugal, Margaret's murdering her elderly, horrible husband. On behalf of the real Margaret, Queen of Scots (not, um, France, as I said in my last entry), I'm mildly pissed. Anyway. ROLL CREDITS.

Comments

[thucyken.livejournal.com]

Hilarious as usual. I am clearly going to have to watch this show. The Jeremy Northam swayed me, but your caps have won me over.

[deslea.livejournal.com]

Oh, Lord, I love your recaps so freaking much.

[naewinter.livejournal.com]

Do you think they were trying to cast Jonathan Rhys-Davies but got mixed up?

[bruyere-75.livejournal.com]

I can't remember their names, but they've been in every episode.

Rosencrantz and Guildenstern?

[thedoingofit.livejournal.com]

These are absolutely amazing. Keep up the good work. :o)

[akashasheiress.livejournal.com]

I'M GLAD TO SEE YOU APPRECIATE MAH LEARNINGS!

[powerof3.livejournal.com]

I loved this recap more than the others, so far. :)

[infiniteviking]

The Tudors = secretly an offshoot of Doctor Who. Rolls right off the tongue. *grins*

[lavinialavender.livejournal.com]

I love these episode-summaries, by the way. Don't stop.

On behalf of the real Margaret, Queen of Scots (not, um, France, as I said in my last entry),
Well, she claimed that too.

[prof-pangaea.livejournal.com]

you are persuading me and land to have a tudorathon. i don't know if you should be proud of that, however.

[curiously-sane.livejournal.com]

I shouldn't have read this while drinking water. My laptop is barely able to forgive me, only enough not to die on me.

More importantly, you are awesome. It is wonderful.

"WHY, GOD, WHY? I HAVEN'T EVEN HAD A CHANCE TO LEARN HOW TO PASS FOR A LIVING HUMAN! I mean, FATHER SONS! Wolsey, I want a divorce."

This is Henry in so many words. All the time I spend on my major is paying off. I need to look at his picture in my textbooks and imagine him saying this. It's so easy.

[shoebox2.livejournal.com]

A bit late to the party I know, but These Are. Made Of. Brilliant. The more so the more you know the real story...