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lizbeeTitle: Your Treasure Spent
Author: LizBee
Fandom: Avatar: the Last Airbender
Characters: Aang, Azula, Mai; Aang/Katara, Mai/Zuko, Azula/Ty Lee, Azula/OMC, Mai/OMC
Rating: R, mostly for violence and politics
Warning(s): (highlight to reveal) Major character death; violence; underage arranged marriage; casual sex under the influence of alcohol; psychological abuse; mental illness
Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 |
For almost a week I didn't dare sleep, lying rigid in my bed until the palace was still then going down to the arena to train and meditate until my mind was blank. When Chan Li asked if I was all right, I banished him to the consort's chambers; when Li and Lo tried to tell me that certain firebending katas were dangerous to pregnant women, I lost my temper and sent them away to Ember Island.
After that no one spoke to me unless I addressed them first. It was wonderfully quiet except for the voices that whispered on the edge of my perception.
One night, instead of meditating, I went down to the Fire Temple to stand before the family shrine. Sozin, Azulon, all my ancestors watched and judged me.
There was no memorial to my mother. It was her fault that I was like this, weak and mad and angry. She had killed Azulon to protect precious Zuzu, then left me.
Not that I had ever wanted her there, of course.
I didn't know the first thing about being a mother, but at least I wouldn't be so cowardly as to fear my own child.
Eventually my nocturnal wanderings brought me to my throne room. I fed the flames until they were high and hot, then sat before them, the throne to my back, listening to the fire's call.
When I opened my eyes, I was somewhere else.
I climbed to my feet, shaking out the sand from my robes. The old man was watching me. Curled around both of us was a great red dragon. I had never seen one alive before, if it could be said to be alive at all. It was alien and glorious.
"I know who you are," I told the old man. "Avatar Roku."
I didn't bow. But neither did he. We regarded each other, while the wind blew and his dragon watched.
"Am I going mad?" I asked.
"What do you think?"
"Sometimes I hear and see things that aren't there. They tell me things that I don't want to be true. And other times I panic and think everyone around me wants me dead. Of course," I struggled to maintain a casual tone, "lots of people do want me dead. Including my father, I think, but he's waiting." I shrugged. "I don't feel things the way other people do. I killed my cousin's hare-dog. I killed my brother. I probably would have killed my mother, but Dad got there first." I watched Roku, daring him to react. "I suppose I'm a monster."
"Maybe," he said. "You remind me of Sozin sometimes. But you look like Ta Min. You have a little of her spirit." He smiled. "And my stubbornness, I'm afraid. The people I loved the most live on in you. You were raised a monster, but your choices will determine your fate."
"You sound like my uncle. How do I know I'm not talking to another hallucination?"
"Your mother is alive. Ozai sent her to an island in the Northern Archipelago, near the old Sun Warrior city. It doesn't have a name. It's not on the maps." He reached out to touch my hand, then, thinking better of it, stopped. "Your father has lied to you most of your life. Do you want to be his tool forever?"
"I don't know any other way to be," I admitted.
"I know."
His dragon moved, its vast head coming towards me. I thought he was going to eat me, but I stood my ground, and instead, one of his whiskers touched my forehead and I was --
-- I was a sixteen-year-old boy, and the Sages were telling me I was the Avatar. I was a middle-aged man, destroying the Fire Lord's palace in a rage, and he looked up at me and saw in me every Avatar who had ever lived, and he was so very small and pathetic. I was an old man, and the Fire Lord was watching me die, and I was choking on the volcanic gas, scrabbling in the dirt as my body failed, and I knew I had made a grave mistake, but --
I dropped to my knees as the dragon released me, breathing deeply until I had control of myself again.
"This situation is as much my fault as Sozin's," Roku said. "I'm sorry."
Eventually I realised I was alone again, and I was crouched on the sand in the dark. I struggled back to my feet, acutely conscious that there was no fire within me.
The moon rose.
With its light came a spirit. It looked like a woman my age or a little older, with white hair and the barbarian features of the Water Tribe. She walked towards me, her feet never touching the ground. Her face was cold.
"My brother has claimed you for himself," she said, "and I'm forbidden to hurt you. But you killed Katara of the Water Tribe, and I can't forgive that."
My feet were wet. The tide was coming in, but it was too fast to be natural. I tried to move, but the spirit blocked my way, and the water was pulling me down.
"Look," the spirit ordered.
I was looking at myself, but it was myself -- had that only been a year ago? Hunched on the ground, eyes wide and teeth bared, Comet-fuelled fire burning wild around her.
"No lightning today?" Zuko taunted her. "What's the matter? Afraid I'll redirect it?"
"Oh," she said, "I'll show you lightning."
She took her stance, but she looked past Zuko, at me.
Too late I realised what the spirit had done.
Zuko screamed and moved, but he was too slow to meet the lightning that arced towards me. It took me in the chest, and I screamed. It was the worst pain imaginable, but still my hands moved for the water-skin at my hip, my trembling fingers reaching for the cap.
Zuko was too distracted to direct the next blast. He was knocked out, but I still had one last ounce of energy. I could still fight. I could still --
Strong hands took me from Katara's body as she died. I couldn't understand why I was crying, but my rescuer held me against his chest and patted my back as I sobbed. I should have despised it, and myself, but I could hardly feel anything except a profound sense of grief and shame, a hollow space inside me that I could never fill. The knowledge of actions I could never undo.
When I was calm at last, I opened my eyes and looked up at my uncle.
"Are you dead, then?" I asked in as disdainful a tone as I could manage.
"I've been looking for you," he said. "Azula, my niece, you're in very great danger. The Avatar is trying to kill you."
"Then you should be happy," I told him, shrugging away his hands and standing up. "Zuko's dead so now you'll pay attention to me? Is that what it takes, Uncle?"
"Spirits can't see the future," he said, as if I hadn't spoken, "but some have watched humanity for a long time, long enough to recognise shapes and patterns. If Aang kills you, it will trigger another escalation in the war. And with the Avatar himself leading the armies, it won't end until the world itself has been destroyed. If you kill him -- the same."
"Oh, good. For a minute there I thought you cared about me in my own right."
"Is that what you want?"
I hesitated. "No," I said. "It's too late for that."
"You're right," said Iroh. "But I feel I bear some responsibility for what you've become. Had I been a better uncle to you, Zuko might still be alive."
"Don't flatter yourself. You were never that important to me."
"Be careful, Azula. The spirits are watching you, and that's not always a safe or comfortable thing."
He bowed to me, as a subject bows to his Fire Lord.
"Be careful," he repeated. "They're coming. Try," he hesitated, "try to show mercy."
Then the world dissolved, and I was sitting on the floor before my throne, a guard kneeling before me while one of his comrades nervously reached to touch my shoulder.
"Don't touch me," I snapped, standing up.
"Fire Lord," said the soldier, bowing, "an attempt has been made on your father's life." He stood up, gesturing at the doors. My father marched in, unharmed, followed by my husband. Then a squad of soldiers marched in and threw the prisoner to the ground.
She was bound, a blood stained bandage on her leg, but there was no fear in Mai's face as she looked up at me.
It all went wrong after we discovered Azula was pregnant.
Aang and I argued, pacing the length of the long-abandoned storage room we'd claimed for ourselves.
"I want to wait," he said.
"It's not like being a mom will magically make her a better person."
Aang's jaw set. "I can't kill a child."
"Wow, Aang, that's really sweet. Are you going to take out Azula right after she gives birth, or will you wait until the kid's walking?"
"Could you do it?" he asked.
I turned away.
"This is Ozai's grandchild," I pointed out. "If Azula dies, he'll probably be its regent. At the very least, he'll have a hand in raising it, and this will start all over again."
"You just want to kill Ozai."
"Yeah. I do."
I turned back to watch him as he sat on a barrel, his head in his hands. He seemed like an ordinary kid, if ordinary kids planned political murders. But there were moments where I saw something else in his eyes, or someone else, and it scared me.
In the end, I went out alone.
Between midnight and the hour before dawn, the palace was still and silent. The smallest noise would have alerted the guards, but I was very quiet. And I remembered the servants' route into Ozai's chambers from my previous escape.
He was asleep, bare chest rising and falling with every breath. He looked so much like Zuko that for a second I couldn't breathe, but I forced myself to advance. Standing over him, I drew my sword.
And stopped.
It should have been easy. This was the man who had scarred and banished Zuko, who had created Azula. And I had spent years teaching myself not to feel. Spent hours persuading Aang that this was necessary, that it would be easy.
I was so, so stupid. I wasn't a killer, not the cold-blooded kind. Maybe if he was attacking me. Maybe if I was in danger.
Ozai opened his eyes.
For a second, he looked disbelieving. I thought he might laugh.
I should have done it then.
Before I could react, he threw me back against the wall. I had my darts in my hand, but the impact sent them awry. One embedded itself in Ozai's shoulder.
"You're as stupid as my son," he said.
I pulled myself to my feet and raised my sword, but he already had a weapon to hand, something like a very small cannon. I took a step forward. He fired.
I bit my lip as my right leg exploded in white pain, but I stayed on my feet.
"Is that -- the best -- you can do?" I asked, struggling for breath. "Typical bender -- arrogant -- Zuko could have done better--"
He needed to reload. My blades were ready. I took aim just as the guards burst in and pinned me to the floor.
That sent another wave of dizzying pain through my leg. I felt weirdly distant as the guards hauled me to my feet, bound me and led me towards the prison.
"No," I heard Ozai say, "take her to the throne room. Let my daughter see what her friend has done."
Just outside the throne room doors, someone called, "Stop!"
Ozai said, "This isn't your concern, Prince Chan Li."
"No? A trail of blood leading to the throne room struck me as very concerning. So to speak. Who is it?" Firmly, but not roughly, he raised my head.
"The Lady Mai," one of the guards told him. "She escaped from prison last summer. I guess she's been hiding in the palace all this time, waiting for a chance to attack Lord Ozai."
"Maybe," said the prince. He took my sword from the guard. "Isn't this Master Piandao's work?"
"It's mine." My voice was slurred. "He was my master."
"It's beautiful workmanship. And the knives, too." He took my wrist holster from another guard. "Assassin's weapons. It's a shame you weren't better." My eyes widened slightly. He gave me a flicker of a smile. Turning back to the guards, he said, "Has the Fire Lord been told?"
"She's in the throne room," said another guard, approaching and kneeling. "Captain Yun is trying to wake her."
Chan Li's jaw set, and he exchanged a wary glance with Ozai.
"Clean her up," the prince said. "And treat that wound before she bleeds out."
He turned to enter the throne room, but Ozai caught his arm and swung him around.
"You realise, of course, that Azula planned this," I heard Ozai say, but then a medic began treating my leg, and the pain overtook my desire to eavesdrop.
"You've lost a lot of blood," said the medic, wrapping a tight bandage around my leg, "but the bullet didn't hit any bones or major arteries." He gave me a sympathetic look. "Sorry. Bleeding to death is probably better than what you'll get."
Once more I was pulled upright and marched into the throne room. I saw Azula's silhouette through the flames, made alien and distorted by her pregnancy. I forced myself to look up, and tried to fake a bravado I didn't really feel.
The flames parted and Azula advanced towards me. She was in her sleeping robes, with her hair down, and I wondered for the first time why she had taken to sleeping in the throne room.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw the soldiers back away from her.
"Tell me what happened," she said.
"Your plan failed, Azula," said Ozai. "Your assassin hesitated."
"My assassin?" Azula's gaze was distant, and the slight crease between her eyebrows deepened. She turned her back on her father and looked back at me. "Where's the Avatar?" she demanded.
There was a worried murmur around us, and Prince Chan Li said, "Azula, our last reports put the Avatar in Ba Sing Se."
"He's here." She pulled me to my feet. "Uncle said they were coming. You and the Avatar, right? Who else?" One hand closed around my windpipe. The other cupped a white-blue flame. "His friends? Ty Lee?"
She let go of me. I started to fall, but Chan Li caught me, restraining my arms but holding me upright.
"Tell me," Azula ordered.
"I don't know what you're talking about," I said. "I came alone."
"Liar."
"I came alone," I repeated. "I was going to kill Ozai, then you. I didn't tell anyone where I was going." I gave her a smile that I hoped was cynical and knowing. "They probably would have stopped me."
"Liar." Azula's cry echoed through the throne room. In the awkward silence that followed, I could hear her knuckles crack as she wrung her hands. With a visible effort, she folded her hands into her sleeves and said, "I know the Avatar is coming. Now. Tell me the truth."
"Azula," said the prince carefully, "how do you know?"
She ignored him.
"My uncle wants me to show him mercy," she told me, "but first, I want the Avatar to look me in the face. So tell me where he is."
"Azula," the prince began, "Fire Lord."
Ozai said, "She's lost her mind. The taint of her mother's blood--"
Azula trembled. Her lips might have wobbled, or it might have been a trick of the firelight. I thought of those nights Iroh spent meditating. His journey into the Spirit World.
"--and set up a regency," Ozai was saying, "until this country can have a true leader again."
"With you as its head?" Chan Li demanded, pushing me towards another guard. "A father who scars and banishes his son has no business leading a nation--"
"How dare you speak of that?"
"Silence!" Azula screamed, and her fire whip scorched through the air. "You'll have to kill me before you take my throne--"
"That can be arranged," said Ozai.
There was a whisper of wind above us, but I was the only one who heard it. I held my breath, resisting the urge to look up.
"The physicians can confine you until your child is born," Ozai was saying. "I only hope your madness isn't passed on to the next generation."
"Treason, Lord Ozai?" asked the prince. "If you're lucky, maybe the Fire Lord will just banish you."
"My mother," said Azula suddenly. "You sent her to an island in the northern archipelago."
Ozai flinched. He didn't say anything, but his surprise and fear were plain on his face.
"You told me she was dead!" Azula looked around, eyes wide. "Come out," she said, looking up, "let's end this."
I heard one of the guards mutter, "Maybe she is crazy."
Then Aang descended from the shadows.
Guards scattered as I jumped down from the high ledge. Some moved to protect Azula, others to her father. But they all stopped as I landed.
I wasn't used to being feared, and I didn't like it. But as I raised earth to hold the firebenders, and spun cocoons of ice to hold Azula's Dai Li agents, I realised it was useful. Fear made them hesitate. They second-guessed themselves.
They were too slow.
Azula's husband moved in time to blast a fireball through the stone that was consuming his feet, but a gust of wind slammed him back against the gilt-painted wall, and I used the metal to bind his arms and feet.
Then it was just me, Azula and Ozai.
I met his gaze. He tried to smile, but it didn't reach his eyes. Ozai was scared of me, too.
Azula, on the other hand --
I had wanted her to be a monster, and maybe she was, but she was also just a girl, not much older than me, with messy hair and shadows under her eyes.
I remember how monstrous and powerful Zuko had seemed when we first met, until he took off his mask and I realised he was just a teenager with a scar and a mission.
"I came to kill you," I told her.
"So do it."
She spread her arms, daring me.
I said, "The world can never have balance while you're alive."
"If it makes you feel better, Avatar. Look, I won't even defend myself. I'm as helpless as Zuzu was."
"He was a better person than you."
She shrugged. "Whatever."
I had wanted to take the very air from her lungs, but I couldn't make myself move. Everyone was watching us.
"Give me a reason not to," I said.
There was movement in the corner of my eye, Ozai picking up Mai's forgotten sword. He rushed at us. At Azula.
"No!" she screamed, blocking him with a wall of flame, and I did the same, my orange fire merging with her blue, until it burned white-hot, alive and amazing.
From the fire emerged a human figure.
It looked like a man made of flames, but he was taller than a man could be, and he shone with the light of the sun. Squinting at him through my fingers, I could distinguish facial features, but they were changing every second. One moment he looked like Ozai, the next Iroh. Then I thought he looked a little like Roku, or maybe the chief of the Sun Warriors.
The Sun Spirit.
I prostrated myself before him, and let the stone and ice prisons holding the guards collapse. Ozai let Mai's sword fall to the floor with a loud clang. His knees gave out, and he fell to the floor as the spirit approached.
The spirit reached for him.
Ozai's scream echoed through the room. It felt like the whole world was on fire, and beside me I heard Azula moan with pleasure.
When I opened my eyes, nothing remained of Ozai. The spirit was gazing down at me.
"I'm sorry," I whispered.
You have erred, Avatar. He didn't speak. It was more like wildfire roaring in my mind. He cupped my head, and for a second I burned. I could feel something detaching inside me, a darkness I'd carried for a year.
Now you are free, he said, letting go.
I collapsed onto my hands and knees, feeling dizzy. The Spirit had taken that last fragment of Ozai away, but he couldn't take my choices. He couldn't take my guilt.
He turned to Azula.
"No!"
Her husband threw himself between her and the spirit. A flaming hand pressed against his chest, and I wanted to look away, but I couldn't.
But he didn't die. Instead, the Sun Spirit laughed, and pushed him gently aside.
Azula stood up. I didn't know if she was reaching for the Sun, or if he was reaching for her, but her face was alight with hope and madness.
The spirit engulfed her for a moment, and shone even brighter.
Then it vanished, leaving Azula behind.
I was outside of my body, watching myself collapse. Around me guards were weeping, or fleeing, or pointlessly firebending into the empty darkness. The Avatar got to his feet, pulling Mai towards him, his expression unreadable. Chan Li was the only one who knelt by my body, but I was too far away to hear what he said.
Come, said the Sun Spirit, and he took me to a place where his light warmed ancient volcanic rocks and dragons circled in the sky overhead. I had never been here, but it was familiar nonetheless.
Daughter, he said.
He spoke like it was a skill he had almost forgotten. My education had dealt with practical things, not spirits, but he seemed like a being who had once been human, or human-like. Long ago, maybe. A Sage had once told me that no mortal knew the Sun Spirit's name; it had been lost to history after he abandoned this world and left humans to fend for themselves.
My sister is displeased with you.
"Your sister," I said. "The moon?"
You killed her child.
"I know."
And mine.
"Zuko?"
He was to redeem the honour of the Fire Nation.
"He was weak," I said, but it was an old line, and I found that my heart wasn't in it anymore.
He possessed strength you will never know, daughter. Yours is a dragon-soul. He reached out, cupping my face in his hands. I have taken your father from this world, Azula Dragon-heart, he said. Now you can be free.
He kissed me on the lips, and my body exploded with heat.
Look, he said.
I was outside of myself again, but it was a different Azula, screaming and crying as they took her away and locked her up. My brother took my crown and declared the war over, and I was far, far away, trapped in my own mind. Speaking to people who weren't there, afraid of the dark, afraid of myself.
"I don't want to see this," I said.
Look, the Spirit repeated.
My brother visited me, and I voiced every cruel thought I had ever had. And still he came. He brought me my mother, and she wouldn't leave either, and she brought healers from all over the world, and I laughed at them while they tried to fix me.
But I was no longer afraid.
And I got older, and calmer, so my mother brought me home. They still feared me in the palace, and Zuko came to me and said we could use that. I laughed at him, but it was work, and I was no longer a princess, but I still had my honour. So I served the Fire Nation, and I could sleep at night, and my brother and Mai raised their children and spent time with their friends, and I was --
Free.
"It's just a story. None of that happened."
We called it destiny. Now learn.
He put his hand over my heart.
One hundred years of war. All those deaths. Children without parents, parents without children. Spirits destroyed as their homes were converted to factories or turned into chemical swamps. An armada was wiped out by the Ocean Spirit in retribution for the murder of the moon. A village was burned to the ground because the soldiers didn't like the way an old man looked at them. The flames rose higher, engulfing me. I felt every death and every moment of despair. My chest ached with it. My fists clenched, and I felt blood well up in my palms where my nails pierced the skin. My throat was tight, and I wondered if this was what it was like to be poisoned.
I gasped, "Is this supposed to teach me compassion?"
The Sun Spirit looked puzzled, like he didn't understand the word.
Justice, he said.
I was falling through space, aware of every living being in the world, conscious of every death.
"Is this how a spirit feels?" I asked.
Yes.
"Am I mad?"
An intangible hand cupped my cheek.
A mortal might call it an illness. It takes you far away from me. You have been ill. Now you can heal.
"Teach me."
What do you wish to learn?
I reached for him.
"Everything," I said.
"What happened?" I asked as Aang pulled me to my feet. He shook his head, not dismissing my question but unable to put an answer into words. I didn't mind. I felt tired and empty, not despairing, just too weary to feel.
Azula lay on the floor, her eyes open and her face blank. Chan Li knelt over her, taking her pulse.
I asked, "Is she--"
"It's like she's somewhere else." Her hand looked small in his. He raised it to his lips, his other hand on her belly.
"She's in the Spirit World," Aang said.
"Can you bring her back?"
"I don't know." Aang leaned forward, laying his hands on her head, chest, solar plexus, belly. Chan Li frowned, but said nothing. "Her chakras are flowing. I think if the Sun Spirit wanted to hurt her, he'd have destroyed her like Ozai." He settled back into the lotus position and closed his eyes.
"If she dies," Chan Li told me, "I'll have both of you executed."
"I know."
Aang's tattoos glowed for a second, illuminating the room like lightning. Then they faded and he opened his eyes, breathing heavily.
"She's with the Sun Spirit," he said, standing up. "He won't let me near her. He said one word. 'Wait.'"
Chan Li climbed to his feet and lifted Azula.
"You," he said to one of the few remaining guards. ""Take the Fire Lord to her chambers. Summon the physicians and the Chief Sage."
"My prince, the Spirit--"
"She's alive," he said, putting her in the guard's arms. "See that she stays that way."
He watched as Azula was carried away. Then he turned to us. I realised I was clutching Aang's hand.
We looked at each other in silence for a few moments. Then the prince said to me, "You're not bleeding anymore."
I looked down, and realised for the first time that I was no longer in pain. The bloody bandages had fallen away, revealing the torn clothing beneath, but there was no wound.
"Fire is life," said Aang quietly.
"Captain Hyun," said the prince to an Imperial firebender, "take a squadron and a war balloon, and escort the Avatar and his companion to Ba Sing Se."
"My prince--"
"You'll leave within the hour. See that they arrive unharmed."
The captain bowed.
"You could have had us executed," said Aang. "I wouldn't be the first Avatar killed that way."
"What purpose would that serve?" asked Chan Li. "Your people would retaliate, and we'd be back where we were a week ago. Only worse."
He retrieved my weapons and presented them to me with a sardonic little bow.
"I always wanted to study under Master Piandao," he said. "I hope one day he can return from his exile."
Feeling surreal, I bowed and said, "I'll tell him that, my prince."
To Aang, the prince said, "Don't come back. Azula won't be as generous as I am."
Aang nodded and bowed. And the guards came to take us away.
Another airship. Another three-day journey to Ba Sing Se. The Imperial firebenders didn't speak to us. We were given three meals a day in silence. Plain soldier rations. I traded some of my rice for Aang's meat.
"I'm going to try meditating," he said on the first night. I wanted to say, Don't leave me alone, but I couldn't form the words. So I watched while he assumed a lotus position and breathed.
Around midnight, his tattoos began to glow. My throat closed up, and I wanted to pound at the door of our sparse quarters and beg to be released. But I swallowed the fear, just as my grandmother taught me, and tried to concentrate the smooth, familiar knife in my hand. But my hands were clumsy, and the blade slipped.
It had been years since I had cut myself. I stared at the thin red line that appeared in the palm of my hand. It stung, but not unbearably. It was shallow. Hardly anything at all.
I didn't realise I was crying until a tear rolled off the end of my nose and landed in my hand, mingling with the blood.
I hadn't cried since I was a child. And it hurt. My chest ached, and my head, and I could hardly swallow.
And I couldn't stop.
Eventually Aang came back from -- wherever he was -- and found me curled in a foetal position on my bunk, weeping silently into a thin blanket.
He sat down next to me and awkwardly patted my shoulder.
"Yeah," he said. "I know."
I shifted, putting my head on his knee. I still couldn't stop crying, but he didn't say anything else. No empty platitudes. No begging me to be calm or quiet. Just peace.
I was still teary when we arrived at Ba Sing Se, although I'd managed to eat a little, and drink some tea. The Fire Nation war balloon landed outside the outer wall. There were soldiers waiting for us, watching the Imperial firebenders with unfriendly faces as they escorted us down the ramp, but most of my attention was taken up with the group of people waiting at the bottom.
I needed to apologise to Iroh for what I'd said before I left, but my throat was raw and I could barely speak. I got as far as a croaked, "I--" before he spread his arms and welcomed me back.
I started to cry again. I was getting used to it.
Iroh took me back to his apartment and gave me tea. He didn't ask what had happened in the Fire Nation, and I wasn't ready to tell him. The memory was strange, and I couldn't make myself dwell on it too long.
Instead, we talked about Zuko. Or rather, he talked. I cried. Finally he gave me a cup of something soporific, and carried me to my room.
The last thing I remembered before I passed out was saying, "Iroh?"
"Yes?"
"You told Azula we were coming."
"Yes." He squeezed my hand. "I've lost my son and my nephew. I couldn't bear the thought of losing you and Aang as well."
"Did you think she'd kill us?"
"I was afraid of that, yes. But I was also afraid you might win."
I fell asleep.
It was late afternoon when I woke up. I was in my body, in my bed. The baby was kicking.
I was … myself.
I sat up, pushing away the physicians as they fussed around me.
"Fire Lord," said the Chief Sage, bowing very low. "I must--"
"Fetch my husband," I told him.
I was dressing when he arrived, and for a second we just looked at each other. Reassessing. There was no visible trace of the Sun Spirit's touch on him, but I could almost taste the echo of the spirit's presence.
"You've been catatonic for four days," Chan Li said as I brushed my hair.
"Is that how it looked?" My hand faltered. He took the brush from my hand and continued the job himself. "I was with the spirit," I told him.
"I know. I guessed." He pushed my hair aside to press a kiss to the back of my neck. "But I didn't know if you'd come back."
"Of course." I watched him place the royal headpiece in my hair, and studied my reflection in the mirror. I, too, seemed unchanged on the outside. It was within that I was different. The heat of the sun pulsed through my veins. Daughter of fire. Dragon-heart.
I led Chan Li outside. Overhead, the sky was streaked with orange and pink as the sun set.
"The original Fire Lords were the Chief Sages," I told him. "Eventually the two branches separated. My ancestors concerned themselves with earthly politics. The Fire Sages became irrelevant and pathetic."
We made our way towards the practice grounds.
"I'm going to change that," I said. "Starting tonight, the Fire Sages will serve me, and I will serve the Fire Nation."
"They won't like that."
"I am the daughter of the Fire Spirit," I told him, "destined to restore the honour of the Fire Nation and undo the damage of the last three generations." Heat pulsed through my veins. And better, certainty, the kind of confidence I had lost in the last year. "And anyone who stands in my way will die."
Chan Li bowed before me.
"My lord," he said.
For the first time in what felt like years, I smiled.
"What have you done?" demanded the Moon Spirit.
What was necessary.
"Anger won't bring back the dead," said Roku.
"That doesn't make this right," said Yue, and she fled to her own starry domain.
Roku waited for the Avatar.
When he appeared, it was as a humble supplicant. He knelt, heedless of the mud, and said, "I'm sorry."
"You're not the first Avatar to make this mistake," said Roku.
"For some," said Yangchen, "not acting was a greater mistake."
"I gave in to my anger," said Aang. "I told myself I was just being pragmatic."
"When you touched Ozai's spirit," said Kuruk, "he touched yours as well."
"That's an excuse," said Kyoshi, at the same time as Aang said, "No. I wanted a reason to act."
"And now?" Roku asked.
"Yes," said Yangchen, "what do you want now?"
"Peace," said Aang.
"My great-granddaughter has been gifted with a task," said Roku. "Restoring the spiritual balance of the Fire Nation will take a lifetime."
"Decades for the war to be forgotten," said Kyoshi.
"Her son could one day be your ally."
"What she begins," Yangchen promised, "you will have to finish. You, or the Avatar that follows you."
"I understand." Aang hesitated.
"Your friend?" said Kuruk, "the waterbender?"
"I wish I could see her one more time."
Kuruk squeezed Aang's shoulder.
"She's free," he said.
"Let her go," said Yangchen.
"I outlived everyone I ever loved," said Kyoshi. "True love requires you to be open to grief. The Air Nomads taught me that."
"It's not a betrayal," said Roku. "Honour her."
"Live," said Yangchen.
I opened my eyes.
It was dawn, and Momo was twitching in his sleep. Outside I could hear Appa's quiet snores.
Very quietly I found my glider and slipped upstairs onto the roof. Ba Sing Se was spread out below me, stretching to the horizon in every direction. Even at this time of day I could hear distant movement coming from the Lower Ring.
There was a stiff breeze blowing, still warm despite the lateness of the season. The astronomers were predicting a long summer and a late autumn.
Azula's son would be born at the turn of the season, I realised. Thinking of Azula brought a rush of shame, rage and grief, and I acknowledged it all. Mai was wrong, I realised, hiding everything behind a stone mask. I might go and tell her that later. If I did it while the Jasmine Dragon was busy, she might not throw that many knives.
Azula's son would have been Zuko's nephew. That was a weird thought. But a good one, that a trace of my friend would return to the world.
I'd tell Mai that, too.
The sun was over the eastern wall now, and the wind was picking up. I threw my glider into the air and leaped off the roof to meet it.
I soared up, over the city, out to the walls and beyond.
I wouldn't stay much longer. I wanted to go back to the Northern Water Tribe and learn healing. I wanted to see Kyoshi Island again, and to visit Bumi, and to see how the liberated colonies of the western coast were getting along.
But for now, it was a new day, and I was flying.
end
Phoenixes that played here once, so that the place was named for them,
Have abandoned it now to this desolate river;
The paths of Wu Palace are crooked with weeds;
The garments of Qin are ancient dust.
...Like this green horizon halving the Three Peaks,
Like this Island of White Egrets dividing the river,
A cloud has arisen between the Light of Heaven and me,
To hide his city from my melancholy heart.
On Climbing in Nanjing to the Terrace of Phoenixes, Li Bai
Author: LizBee
Fandom: Avatar: the Last Airbender
Characters: Aang, Azula, Mai; Aang/Katara, Mai/Zuko, Azula/Ty Lee, Azula/OMC, Mai/OMC
Rating: R, mostly for violence and politics
Warning(s): (highlight to reveal) Major character death; violence; underage arranged marriage; casual sex under the influence of alcohol; psychological abuse; mental illness
Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 |
Azula
For almost a week I didn't dare sleep, lying rigid in my bed until the palace was still then going down to the arena to train and meditate until my mind was blank. When Chan Li asked if I was all right, I banished him to the consort's chambers; when Li and Lo tried to tell me that certain firebending katas were dangerous to pregnant women, I lost my temper and sent them away to Ember Island.
After that no one spoke to me unless I addressed them first. It was wonderfully quiet except for the voices that whispered on the edge of my perception.
One night, instead of meditating, I went down to the Fire Temple to stand before the family shrine. Sozin, Azulon, all my ancestors watched and judged me.
There was no memorial to my mother. It was her fault that I was like this, weak and mad and angry. She had killed Azulon to protect precious Zuzu, then left me.
Not that I had ever wanted her there, of course.
I didn't know the first thing about being a mother, but at least I wouldn't be so cowardly as to fear my own child.
Eventually my nocturnal wanderings brought me to my throne room. I fed the flames until they were high and hot, then sat before them, the throne to my back, listening to the fire's call.
When I opened my eyes, I was somewhere else.
I climbed to my feet, shaking out the sand from my robes. The old man was watching me. Curled around both of us was a great red dragon. I had never seen one alive before, if it could be said to be alive at all. It was alien and glorious.
"I know who you are," I told the old man. "Avatar Roku."
I didn't bow. But neither did he. We regarded each other, while the wind blew and his dragon watched.
"Am I going mad?" I asked.
"What do you think?"
"Sometimes I hear and see things that aren't there. They tell me things that I don't want to be true. And other times I panic and think everyone around me wants me dead. Of course," I struggled to maintain a casual tone, "lots of people do want me dead. Including my father, I think, but he's waiting." I shrugged. "I don't feel things the way other people do. I killed my cousin's hare-dog. I killed my brother. I probably would have killed my mother, but Dad got there first." I watched Roku, daring him to react. "I suppose I'm a monster."
"Maybe," he said. "You remind me of Sozin sometimes. But you look like Ta Min. You have a little of her spirit." He smiled. "And my stubbornness, I'm afraid. The people I loved the most live on in you. You were raised a monster, but your choices will determine your fate."
"You sound like my uncle. How do I know I'm not talking to another hallucination?"
"Your mother is alive. Ozai sent her to an island in the Northern Archipelago, near the old Sun Warrior city. It doesn't have a name. It's not on the maps." He reached out to touch my hand, then, thinking better of it, stopped. "Your father has lied to you most of your life. Do you want to be his tool forever?"
"I don't know any other way to be," I admitted.
"I know."
His dragon moved, its vast head coming towards me. I thought he was going to eat me, but I stood my ground, and instead, one of his whiskers touched my forehead and I was --
-- I was a sixteen-year-old boy, and the Sages were telling me I was the Avatar. I was a middle-aged man, destroying the Fire Lord's palace in a rage, and he looked up at me and saw in me every Avatar who had ever lived, and he was so very small and pathetic. I was an old man, and the Fire Lord was watching me die, and I was choking on the volcanic gas, scrabbling in the dirt as my body failed, and I knew I had made a grave mistake, but --
I dropped to my knees as the dragon released me, breathing deeply until I had control of myself again.
"This situation is as much my fault as Sozin's," Roku said. "I'm sorry."
Eventually I realised I was alone again, and I was crouched on the sand in the dark. I struggled back to my feet, acutely conscious that there was no fire within me.
The moon rose.
With its light came a spirit. It looked like a woman my age or a little older, with white hair and the barbarian features of the Water Tribe. She walked towards me, her feet never touching the ground. Her face was cold.
"My brother has claimed you for himself," she said, "and I'm forbidden to hurt you. But you killed Katara of the Water Tribe, and I can't forgive that."
My feet were wet. The tide was coming in, but it was too fast to be natural. I tried to move, but the spirit blocked my way, and the water was pulling me down.
"Look," the spirit ordered.
I was looking at myself, but it was myself -- had that only been a year ago? Hunched on the ground, eyes wide and teeth bared, Comet-fuelled fire burning wild around her.
"No lightning today?" Zuko taunted her. "What's the matter? Afraid I'll redirect it?"
"Oh," she said, "I'll show you lightning."
She took her stance, but she looked past Zuko, at me.
Too late I realised what the spirit had done.
Zuko screamed and moved, but he was too slow to meet the lightning that arced towards me. It took me in the chest, and I screamed. It was the worst pain imaginable, but still my hands moved for the water-skin at my hip, my trembling fingers reaching for the cap.
Zuko was too distracted to direct the next blast. He was knocked out, but I still had one last ounce of energy. I could still fight. I could still --
Strong hands took me from Katara's body as she died. I couldn't understand why I was crying, but my rescuer held me against his chest and patted my back as I sobbed. I should have despised it, and myself, but I could hardly feel anything except a profound sense of grief and shame, a hollow space inside me that I could never fill. The knowledge of actions I could never undo.
When I was calm at last, I opened my eyes and looked up at my uncle.
"Are you dead, then?" I asked in as disdainful a tone as I could manage.
"I've been looking for you," he said. "Azula, my niece, you're in very great danger. The Avatar is trying to kill you."
"Then you should be happy," I told him, shrugging away his hands and standing up. "Zuko's dead so now you'll pay attention to me? Is that what it takes, Uncle?"
"Spirits can't see the future," he said, as if I hadn't spoken, "but some have watched humanity for a long time, long enough to recognise shapes and patterns. If Aang kills you, it will trigger another escalation in the war. And with the Avatar himself leading the armies, it won't end until the world itself has been destroyed. If you kill him -- the same."
"Oh, good. For a minute there I thought you cared about me in my own right."
"Is that what you want?"
I hesitated. "No," I said. "It's too late for that."
"You're right," said Iroh. "But I feel I bear some responsibility for what you've become. Had I been a better uncle to you, Zuko might still be alive."
"Don't flatter yourself. You were never that important to me."
"Be careful, Azula. The spirits are watching you, and that's not always a safe or comfortable thing."
He bowed to me, as a subject bows to his Fire Lord.
"Be careful," he repeated. "They're coming. Try," he hesitated, "try to show mercy."
Then the world dissolved, and I was sitting on the floor before my throne, a guard kneeling before me while one of his comrades nervously reached to touch my shoulder.
"Don't touch me," I snapped, standing up.
"Fire Lord," said the soldier, bowing, "an attempt has been made on your father's life." He stood up, gesturing at the doors. My father marched in, unharmed, followed by my husband. Then a squad of soldiers marched in and threw the prisoner to the ground.
She was bound, a blood stained bandage on her leg, but there was no fear in Mai's face as she looked up at me.
Mai
It all went wrong after we discovered Azula was pregnant.
Aang and I argued, pacing the length of the long-abandoned storage room we'd claimed for ourselves.
"I want to wait," he said.
"It's not like being a mom will magically make her a better person."
Aang's jaw set. "I can't kill a child."
"Wow, Aang, that's really sweet. Are you going to take out Azula right after she gives birth, or will you wait until the kid's walking?"
"Could you do it?" he asked.
I turned away.
"This is Ozai's grandchild," I pointed out. "If Azula dies, he'll probably be its regent. At the very least, he'll have a hand in raising it, and this will start all over again."
"You just want to kill Ozai."
"Yeah. I do."
I turned back to watch him as he sat on a barrel, his head in his hands. He seemed like an ordinary kid, if ordinary kids planned political murders. But there were moments where I saw something else in his eyes, or someone else, and it scared me.
In the end, I went out alone.
Between midnight and the hour before dawn, the palace was still and silent. The smallest noise would have alerted the guards, but I was very quiet. And I remembered the servants' route into Ozai's chambers from my previous escape.
He was asleep, bare chest rising and falling with every breath. He looked so much like Zuko that for a second I couldn't breathe, but I forced myself to advance. Standing over him, I drew my sword.
And stopped.
It should have been easy. This was the man who had scarred and banished Zuko, who had created Azula. And I had spent years teaching myself not to feel. Spent hours persuading Aang that this was necessary, that it would be easy.
I was so, so stupid. I wasn't a killer, not the cold-blooded kind. Maybe if he was attacking me. Maybe if I was in danger.
Ozai opened his eyes.
For a second, he looked disbelieving. I thought he might laugh.
I should have done it then.
Before I could react, he threw me back against the wall. I had my darts in my hand, but the impact sent them awry. One embedded itself in Ozai's shoulder.
"You're as stupid as my son," he said.
I pulled myself to my feet and raised my sword, but he already had a weapon to hand, something like a very small cannon. I took a step forward. He fired.
I bit my lip as my right leg exploded in white pain, but I stayed on my feet.
"Is that -- the best -- you can do?" I asked, struggling for breath. "Typical bender -- arrogant -- Zuko could have done better--"
He needed to reload. My blades were ready. I took aim just as the guards burst in and pinned me to the floor.
That sent another wave of dizzying pain through my leg. I felt weirdly distant as the guards hauled me to my feet, bound me and led me towards the prison.
"No," I heard Ozai say, "take her to the throne room. Let my daughter see what her friend has done."
Just outside the throne room doors, someone called, "Stop!"
Ozai said, "This isn't your concern, Prince Chan Li."
"No? A trail of blood leading to the throne room struck me as very concerning. So to speak. Who is it?" Firmly, but not roughly, he raised my head.
"The Lady Mai," one of the guards told him. "She escaped from prison last summer. I guess she's been hiding in the palace all this time, waiting for a chance to attack Lord Ozai."
"Maybe," said the prince. He took my sword from the guard. "Isn't this Master Piandao's work?"
"It's mine." My voice was slurred. "He was my master."
"It's beautiful workmanship. And the knives, too." He took my wrist holster from another guard. "Assassin's weapons. It's a shame you weren't better." My eyes widened slightly. He gave me a flicker of a smile. Turning back to the guards, he said, "Has the Fire Lord been told?"
"She's in the throne room," said another guard, approaching and kneeling. "Captain Yun is trying to wake her."
Chan Li's jaw set, and he exchanged a wary glance with Ozai.
"Clean her up," the prince said. "And treat that wound before she bleeds out."
He turned to enter the throne room, but Ozai caught his arm and swung him around.
"You realise, of course, that Azula planned this," I heard Ozai say, but then a medic began treating my leg, and the pain overtook my desire to eavesdrop.
"You've lost a lot of blood," said the medic, wrapping a tight bandage around my leg, "but the bullet didn't hit any bones or major arteries." He gave me a sympathetic look. "Sorry. Bleeding to death is probably better than what you'll get."
Once more I was pulled upright and marched into the throne room. I saw Azula's silhouette through the flames, made alien and distorted by her pregnancy. I forced myself to look up, and tried to fake a bravado I didn't really feel.
The flames parted and Azula advanced towards me. She was in her sleeping robes, with her hair down, and I wondered for the first time why she had taken to sleeping in the throne room.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw the soldiers back away from her.
"Tell me what happened," she said.
"Your plan failed, Azula," said Ozai. "Your assassin hesitated."
"My assassin?" Azula's gaze was distant, and the slight crease between her eyebrows deepened. She turned her back on her father and looked back at me. "Where's the Avatar?" she demanded.
There was a worried murmur around us, and Prince Chan Li said, "Azula, our last reports put the Avatar in Ba Sing Se."
"He's here." She pulled me to my feet. "Uncle said they were coming. You and the Avatar, right? Who else?" One hand closed around my windpipe. The other cupped a white-blue flame. "His friends? Ty Lee?"
She let go of me. I started to fall, but Chan Li caught me, restraining my arms but holding me upright.
"Tell me," Azula ordered.
"I don't know what you're talking about," I said. "I came alone."
"Liar."
"I came alone," I repeated. "I was going to kill Ozai, then you. I didn't tell anyone where I was going." I gave her a smile that I hoped was cynical and knowing. "They probably would have stopped me."
"Liar." Azula's cry echoed through the throne room. In the awkward silence that followed, I could hear her knuckles crack as she wrung her hands. With a visible effort, she folded her hands into her sleeves and said, "I know the Avatar is coming. Now. Tell me the truth."
"Azula," said the prince carefully, "how do you know?"
She ignored him.
"My uncle wants me to show him mercy," she told me, "but first, I want the Avatar to look me in the face. So tell me where he is."
"Azula," the prince began, "Fire Lord."
Ozai said, "She's lost her mind. The taint of her mother's blood--"
Azula trembled. Her lips might have wobbled, or it might have been a trick of the firelight. I thought of those nights Iroh spent meditating. His journey into the Spirit World.
"--and set up a regency," Ozai was saying, "until this country can have a true leader again."
"With you as its head?" Chan Li demanded, pushing me towards another guard. "A father who scars and banishes his son has no business leading a nation--"
"How dare you speak of that?"
"Silence!" Azula screamed, and her fire whip scorched through the air. "You'll have to kill me before you take my throne--"
"That can be arranged," said Ozai.
There was a whisper of wind above us, but I was the only one who heard it. I held my breath, resisting the urge to look up.
"The physicians can confine you until your child is born," Ozai was saying. "I only hope your madness isn't passed on to the next generation."
"Treason, Lord Ozai?" asked the prince. "If you're lucky, maybe the Fire Lord will just banish you."
"My mother," said Azula suddenly. "You sent her to an island in the northern archipelago."
Ozai flinched. He didn't say anything, but his surprise and fear were plain on his face.
"You told me she was dead!" Azula looked around, eyes wide. "Come out," she said, looking up, "let's end this."
I heard one of the guards mutter, "Maybe she is crazy."
Then Aang descended from the shadows.
Aang
Guards scattered as I jumped down from the high ledge. Some moved to protect Azula, others to her father. But they all stopped as I landed.
I wasn't used to being feared, and I didn't like it. But as I raised earth to hold the firebenders, and spun cocoons of ice to hold Azula's Dai Li agents, I realised it was useful. Fear made them hesitate. They second-guessed themselves.
They were too slow.
Azula's husband moved in time to blast a fireball through the stone that was consuming his feet, but a gust of wind slammed him back against the gilt-painted wall, and I used the metal to bind his arms and feet.
Then it was just me, Azula and Ozai.
I met his gaze. He tried to smile, but it didn't reach his eyes. Ozai was scared of me, too.
Azula, on the other hand --
I had wanted her to be a monster, and maybe she was, but she was also just a girl, not much older than me, with messy hair and shadows under her eyes.
I remember how monstrous and powerful Zuko had seemed when we first met, until he took off his mask and I realised he was just a teenager with a scar and a mission.
"I came to kill you," I told her.
"So do it."
She spread her arms, daring me.
I said, "The world can never have balance while you're alive."
"If it makes you feel better, Avatar. Look, I won't even defend myself. I'm as helpless as Zuzu was."
"He was a better person than you."
She shrugged. "Whatever."
I had wanted to take the very air from her lungs, but I couldn't make myself move. Everyone was watching us.
"Give me a reason not to," I said.
There was movement in the corner of my eye, Ozai picking up Mai's forgotten sword. He rushed at us. At Azula.
"No!" she screamed, blocking him with a wall of flame, and I did the same, my orange fire merging with her blue, until it burned white-hot, alive and amazing.
From the fire emerged a human figure.
It looked like a man made of flames, but he was taller than a man could be, and he shone with the light of the sun. Squinting at him through my fingers, I could distinguish facial features, but they were changing every second. One moment he looked like Ozai, the next Iroh. Then I thought he looked a little like Roku, or maybe the chief of the Sun Warriors.
The Sun Spirit.
I prostrated myself before him, and let the stone and ice prisons holding the guards collapse. Ozai let Mai's sword fall to the floor with a loud clang. His knees gave out, and he fell to the floor as the spirit approached.
The spirit reached for him.
Ozai's scream echoed through the room. It felt like the whole world was on fire, and beside me I heard Azula moan with pleasure.
When I opened my eyes, nothing remained of Ozai. The spirit was gazing down at me.
"I'm sorry," I whispered.
You have erred, Avatar. He didn't speak. It was more like wildfire roaring in my mind. He cupped my head, and for a second I burned. I could feel something detaching inside me, a darkness I'd carried for a year.
Now you are free, he said, letting go.
I collapsed onto my hands and knees, feeling dizzy. The Spirit had taken that last fragment of Ozai away, but he couldn't take my choices. He couldn't take my guilt.
He turned to Azula.
"No!"
Her husband threw himself between her and the spirit. A flaming hand pressed against his chest, and I wanted to look away, but I couldn't.
But he didn't die. Instead, the Sun Spirit laughed, and pushed him gently aside.
Azula stood up. I didn't know if she was reaching for the Sun, or if he was reaching for her, but her face was alight with hope and madness.
The spirit engulfed her for a moment, and shone even brighter.
Then it vanished, leaving Azula behind.
Azula
I was outside of my body, watching myself collapse. Around me guards were weeping, or fleeing, or pointlessly firebending into the empty darkness. The Avatar got to his feet, pulling Mai towards him, his expression unreadable. Chan Li was the only one who knelt by my body, but I was too far away to hear what he said.
Come, said the Sun Spirit, and he took me to a place where his light warmed ancient volcanic rocks and dragons circled in the sky overhead. I had never been here, but it was familiar nonetheless.
Daughter, he said.
He spoke like it was a skill he had almost forgotten. My education had dealt with practical things, not spirits, but he seemed like a being who had once been human, or human-like. Long ago, maybe. A Sage had once told me that no mortal knew the Sun Spirit's name; it had been lost to history after he abandoned this world and left humans to fend for themselves.
My sister is displeased with you.
"Your sister," I said. "The moon?"
You killed her child.
"I know."
And mine.
"Zuko?"
He was to redeem the honour of the Fire Nation.
"He was weak," I said, but it was an old line, and I found that my heart wasn't in it anymore.
He possessed strength you will never know, daughter. Yours is a dragon-soul. He reached out, cupping my face in his hands. I have taken your father from this world, Azula Dragon-heart, he said. Now you can be free.
He kissed me on the lips, and my body exploded with heat.
Look, he said.
I was outside of myself again, but it was a different Azula, screaming and crying as they took her away and locked her up. My brother took my crown and declared the war over, and I was far, far away, trapped in my own mind. Speaking to people who weren't there, afraid of the dark, afraid of myself.
"I don't want to see this," I said.
Look, the Spirit repeated.
My brother visited me, and I voiced every cruel thought I had ever had. And still he came. He brought me my mother, and she wouldn't leave either, and she brought healers from all over the world, and I laughed at them while they tried to fix me.
But I was no longer afraid.
And I got older, and calmer, so my mother brought me home. They still feared me in the palace, and Zuko came to me and said we could use that. I laughed at him, but it was work, and I was no longer a princess, but I still had my honour. So I served the Fire Nation, and I could sleep at night, and my brother and Mai raised their children and spent time with their friends, and I was --
Free.
"It's just a story. None of that happened."
We called it destiny. Now learn.
He put his hand over my heart.
One hundred years of war. All those deaths. Children without parents, parents without children. Spirits destroyed as their homes were converted to factories or turned into chemical swamps. An armada was wiped out by the Ocean Spirit in retribution for the murder of the moon. A village was burned to the ground because the soldiers didn't like the way an old man looked at them. The flames rose higher, engulfing me. I felt every death and every moment of despair. My chest ached with it. My fists clenched, and I felt blood well up in my palms where my nails pierced the skin. My throat was tight, and I wondered if this was what it was like to be poisoned.
I gasped, "Is this supposed to teach me compassion?"
The Sun Spirit looked puzzled, like he didn't understand the word.
Justice, he said.
I was falling through space, aware of every living being in the world, conscious of every death.
"Is this how a spirit feels?" I asked.
Yes.
"Am I mad?"
An intangible hand cupped my cheek.
A mortal might call it an illness. It takes you far away from me. You have been ill. Now you can heal.
"Teach me."
What do you wish to learn?
I reached for him.
"Everything," I said.
Mai
"What happened?" I asked as Aang pulled me to my feet. He shook his head, not dismissing my question but unable to put an answer into words. I didn't mind. I felt tired and empty, not despairing, just too weary to feel.
Azula lay on the floor, her eyes open and her face blank. Chan Li knelt over her, taking her pulse.
I asked, "Is she--"
"It's like she's somewhere else." Her hand looked small in his. He raised it to his lips, his other hand on her belly.
"She's in the Spirit World," Aang said.
"Can you bring her back?"
"I don't know." Aang leaned forward, laying his hands on her head, chest, solar plexus, belly. Chan Li frowned, but said nothing. "Her chakras are flowing. I think if the Sun Spirit wanted to hurt her, he'd have destroyed her like Ozai." He settled back into the lotus position and closed his eyes.
"If she dies," Chan Li told me, "I'll have both of you executed."
"I know."
Aang's tattoos glowed for a second, illuminating the room like lightning. Then they faded and he opened his eyes, breathing heavily.
"She's with the Sun Spirit," he said, standing up. "He won't let me near her. He said one word. 'Wait.'"
Chan Li climbed to his feet and lifted Azula.
"You," he said to one of the few remaining guards. ""Take the Fire Lord to her chambers. Summon the physicians and the Chief Sage."
"My prince, the Spirit--"
"She's alive," he said, putting her in the guard's arms. "See that she stays that way."
He watched as Azula was carried away. Then he turned to us. I realised I was clutching Aang's hand.
We looked at each other in silence for a few moments. Then the prince said to me, "You're not bleeding anymore."
I looked down, and realised for the first time that I was no longer in pain. The bloody bandages had fallen away, revealing the torn clothing beneath, but there was no wound.
"Fire is life," said Aang quietly.
"Captain Hyun," said the prince to an Imperial firebender, "take a squadron and a war balloon, and escort the Avatar and his companion to Ba Sing Se."
"My prince--"
"You'll leave within the hour. See that they arrive unharmed."
The captain bowed.
"You could have had us executed," said Aang. "I wouldn't be the first Avatar killed that way."
"What purpose would that serve?" asked Chan Li. "Your people would retaliate, and we'd be back where we were a week ago. Only worse."
He retrieved my weapons and presented them to me with a sardonic little bow.
"I always wanted to study under Master Piandao," he said. "I hope one day he can return from his exile."
Feeling surreal, I bowed and said, "I'll tell him that, my prince."
To Aang, the prince said, "Don't come back. Azula won't be as generous as I am."
Aang nodded and bowed. And the guards came to take us away.
Another airship. Another three-day journey to Ba Sing Se. The Imperial firebenders didn't speak to us. We were given three meals a day in silence. Plain soldier rations. I traded some of my rice for Aang's meat.
"I'm going to try meditating," he said on the first night. I wanted to say, Don't leave me alone, but I couldn't form the words. So I watched while he assumed a lotus position and breathed.
Around midnight, his tattoos began to glow. My throat closed up, and I wanted to pound at the door of our sparse quarters and beg to be released. But I swallowed the fear, just as my grandmother taught me, and tried to concentrate the smooth, familiar knife in my hand. But my hands were clumsy, and the blade slipped.
It had been years since I had cut myself. I stared at the thin red line that appeared in the palm of my hand. It stung, but not unbearably. It was shallow. Hardly anything at all.
I didn't realise I was crying until a tear rolled off the end of my nose and landed in my hand, mingling with the blood.
I hadn't cried since I was a child. And it hurt. My chest ached, and my head, and I could hardly swallow.
And I couldn't stop.
Eventually Aang came back from -- wherever he was -- and found me curled in a foetal position on my bunk, weeping silently into a thin blanket.
He sat down next to me and awkwardly patted my shoulder.
"Yeah," he said. "I know."
I shifted, putting my head on his knee. I still couldn't stop crying, but he didn't say anything else. No empty platitudes. No begging me to be calm or quiet. Just peace.
I was still teary when we arrived at Ba Sing Se, although I'd managed to eat a little, and drink some tea. The Fire Nation war balloon landed outside the outer wall. There were soldiers waiting for us, watching the Imperial firebenders with unfriendly faces as they escorted us down the ramp, but most of my attention was taken up with the group of people waiting at the bottom.
I needed to apologise to Iroh for what I'd said before I left, but my throat was raw and I could barely speak. I got as far as a croaked, "I--" before he spread his arms and welcomed me back.
I started to cry again. I was getting used to it.
Iroh took me back to his apartment and gave me tea. He didn't ask what had happened in the Fire Nation, and I wasn't ready to tell him. The memory was strange, and I couldn't make myself dwell on it too long.
Instead, we talked about Zuko. Or rather, he talked. I cried. Finally he gave me a cup of something soporific, and carried me to my room.
The last thing I remembered before I passed out was saying, "Iroh?"
"Yes?"
"You told Azula we were coming."
"Yes." He squeezed my hand. "I've lost my son and my nephew. I couldn't bear the thought of losing you and Aang as well."
"Did you think she'd kill us?"
"I was afraid of that, yes. But I was also afraid you might win."
I fell asleep.
Azula
It was late afternoon when I woke up. I was in my body, in my bed. The baby was kicking.
I was … myself.
I sat up, pushing away the physicians as they fussed around me.
"Fire Lord," said the Chief Sage, bowing very low. "I must--"
"Fetch my husband," I told him.
I was dressing when he arrived, and for a second we just looked at each other. Reassessing. There was no visible trace of the Sun Spirit's touch on him, but I could almost taste the echo of the spirit's presence.
"You've been catatonic for four days," Chan Li said as I brushed my hair.
"Is that how it looked?" My hand faltered. He took the brush from my hand and continued the job himself. "I was with the spirit," I told him.
"I know. I guessed." He pushed my hair aside to press a kiss to the back of my neck. "But I didn't know if you'd come back."
"Of course." I watched him place the royal headpiece in my hair, and studied my reflection in the mirror. I, too, seemed unchanged on the outside. It was within that I was different. The heat of the sun pulsed through my veins. Daughter of fire. Dragon-heart.
I led Chan Li outside. Overhead, the sky was streaked with orange and pink as the sun set.
"The original Fire Lords were the Chief Sages," I told him. "Eventually the two branches separated. My ancestors concerned themselves with earthly politics. The Fire Sages became irrelevant and pathetic."
We made our way towards the practice grounds.
"I'm going to change that," I said. "Starting tonight, the Fire Sages will serve me, and I will serve the Fire Nation."
"They won't like that."
"I am the daughter of the Fire Spirit," I told him, "destined to restore the honour of the Fire Nation and undo the damage of the last three generations." Heat pulsed through my veins. And better, certainty, the kind of confidence I had lost in the last year. "And anyone who stands in my way will die."
Chan Li bowed before me.
"My lord," he said.
For the first time in what felt like years, I smiled.
The Spirit World
"What have you done?" demanded the Moon Spirit.
What was necessary.
"Anger won't bring back the dead," said Roku.
"That doesn't make this right," said Yue, and she fled to her own starry domain.
Roku waited for the Avatar.
When he appeared, it was as a humble supplicant. He knelt, heedless of the mud, and said, "I'm sorry."
"You're not the first Avatar to make this mistake," said Roku.
"For some," said Yangchen, "not acting was a greater mistake."
"I gave in to my anger," said Aang. "I told myself I was just being pragmatic."
"When you touched Ozai's spirit," said Kuruk, "he touched yours as well."
"That's an excuse," said Kyoshi, at the same time as Aang said, "No. I wanted a reason to act."
"And now?" Roku asked.
"Yes," said Yangchen, "what do you want now?"
"Peace," said Aang.
"My great-granddaughter has been gifted with a task," said Roku. "Restoring the spiritual balance of the Fire Nation will take a lifetime."
"Decades for the war to be forgotten," said Kyoshi.
"Her son could one day be your ally."
"What she begins," Yangchen promised, "you will have to finish. You, or the Avatar that follows you."
"I understand." Aang hesitated.
"Your friend?" said Kuruk, "the waterbender?"
"I wish I could see her one more time."
Kuruk squeezed Aang's shoulder.
"She's free," he said.
"Let her go," said Yangchen.
"I outlived everyone I ever loved," said Kyoshi. "True love requires you to be open to grief. The Air Nomads taught me that."
"It's not a betrayal," said Roku. "Honour her."
"Live," said Yangchen.
Aang
I opened my eyes.
It was dawn, and Momo was twitching in his sleep. Outside I could hear Appa's quiet snores.
Very quietly I found my glider and slipped upstairs onto the roof. Ba Sing Se was spread out below me, stretching to the horizon in every direction. Even at this time of day I could hear distant movement coming from the Lower Ring.
There was a stiff breeze blowing, still warm despite the lateness of the season. The astronomers were predicting a long summer and a late autumn.
Azula's son would be born at the turn of the season, I realised. Thinking of Azula brought a rush of shame, rage and grief, and I acknowledged it all. Mai was wrong, I realised, hiding everything behind a stone mask. I might go and tell her that later. If I did it while the Jasmine Dragon was busy, she might not throw that many knives.
Azula's son would have been Zuko's nephew. That was a weird thought. But a good one, that a trace of my friend would return to the world.
I'd tell Mai that, too.
The sun was over the eastern wall now, and the wind was picking up. I threw my glider into the air and leaped off the roof to meet it.
I soared up, over the city, out to the walls and beyond.
I wouldn't stay much longer. I wanted to go back to the Northern Water Tribe and learn healing. I wanted to see Kyoshi Island again, and to visit Bumi, and to see how the liberated colonies of the western coast were getting along.
But for now, it was a new day, and I was flying.
end
Phoenixes that played here once, so that the place was named for them,
Have abandoned it now to this desolate river;
The paths of Wu Palace are crooked with weeds;
The garments of Qin are ancient dust.
...Like this green horizon halving the Three Peaks,
Like this Island of White Egrets dividing the river,
A cloud has arisen between the Light of Heaven and me,
To hide his city from my melancholy heart.
On Climbing in Nanjing to the Terrace of Phoenixes, Li Bai
no subject
Date: 2011-08-17 03:00 pm (UTC)I enjoyed a lot of it. Your slice of life scenes are, as always, a pleasure to read. You did make me feel quite a lot of sympathy for Azula, but that said I didn't enjoy the ending. I realize that AtLA has an underlying theme of forgiveness and living in balance with yourself and others. But Azula can't die because, basically, God says she shouldn't? That felt like a copout. Zuko and Katara became just more of the little people pushed aside by the desires of the spirits, the exact Aang raged against for being uncaring. The Fire Nation stays the same imperialist power it was, merely letting its colonies peel away from neglect, to be reformed by inches by a woman who's only truth-worthy in Aang, Mai, and Iroh's eyes because she became a mommy and were blessed by a god? How is Aang ever supposed to look Sokka or his other friends in the eye again with Azula on the throne? What about the people of the Fire Nation, toiling in fear of the Dai Li and Azula's other agents? And why the heck didn't the Sun Spirit ever manifest itself at any point in the past hundred years to educate the Fire Lord about how the world should be? And where did Ozai's gun come from and why didn't we ever see that before if the tech was available?
I'm sorry. I really enjoyed a lot of this fic, but I can't buy the ending.
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Date: 2011-08-20 05:01 am (UTC)Even though you didn't care for the ending, I'm really grateful you kept reading and left feedback. Thank you.
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Date: 2011-08-20 05:32 pm (UTC)I know other posters have talked about the pacing, but I think it's less that what happened was improperly laid out than it didn't make sense considering what came before. The thread of the Sun and Moon spirits discussing how things hadn't gone like they were destined ran through the story, but it's like... why do they step in at the end? Why then and not before? Yue punishes Azula to the farthest extent she can, considering Azula is supposed to be in the Sun Spirit's domain, but if either spirit is that powerful then why haven't they stepped in beforehand during the war? Why didn't the Sun Spirit ever try to educate Sozin, Azulon, Iroh, Ozai, Zuko or Azula years beforehand? If Ozai's continued life was such an affront to the sun spirit, why didn't it kill him months ago?
The Sun Spirit manifesting itself severely damaged your climax, in my opinion. It raises a lot of unanswered questions, like the aforementioned ones of "Why now?", and it also drains the conflict from Aang's storyline. He doesn't need to overcome the taint of Ozai inside him, God just steps in and cures him of it. Azula doesn't need to come to some sort of Zuko-esq epiphany about how the world hates and fears the Fire Nation, or that they were in the wrong for starting the war, she just needs God to step in and set her straight.
And Zuko's dying message for his uncle was meaningless. The choice was out of human hands. And Aang never grapples with that idea. He rages at Yue for being heartless, but in the end he goes along with it. He just decides to kill Azula and never ponders the fallout from that action, a fallout explicitly told to him beforehand, and afterward he just changes his mind and walks away with a clear conscience. Aang sells out the people of the Fire Nation for the sake of a spiritual decree. I can't believe I'm quoting him, but I'm reminded of Ronald Reagan who chided those who advised the people of Eastern Europe to "Give up your dreams of freedom because to save our own skins, we're willing to make a deal with your slave masters." It's as if Aang gave Ba Sing Se over to the Dai Li, or told the women of the Northern Water Tribe that they needed to get back to the Healing Huts, all because the spirits said they had. It's monstrous, and I'd like to have seen Aang grapple with that fact. Or, heck, have Iroh grapple with it. Iroh retires to his tea shop like the war's over, like his nephew hadn't just been brutally killed, and doesn't seem to feel a darn thing about Zuko's murdering sitting on the thrown. The girl who he described as being crazy and needing to go down is suddenly a safe bet -- again, because the God/spirits told him so.
There can be real drama in the idea that someone needs to do/tolerate the unthinkable in order to achieve a greater good, but in your fic, and in your ending, there is no drama in that dilemma. Peace, both inner and outer, can only be achieved by submission to destiny's dictates. Trust in God/spirits and you'll be happy. If they say the unrepentant murderer of your two best friends should go free, that's good enough. What would Sokka or Hakoda or Toph say to the idea that Katara's death has to go unavenged because the continued existence of the world depends on it? We don't know. They leave the story and it became the tale that Aang raged against -- a game of Avatar and Firelords, where the "little people" don't merit justice, thought, or compassion. All that matters is the big picture. Azula MUST stay Firelord. Period. End of story. Why? Because.
no subject
Date: 2011-08-17 05:03 pm (UTC)I did think Ozai's death scene was somewhat rushed; it's not clear to me what exactly allowed the Sun Spirit to manifest, there. But I enjoyed Azula's scenes with Agni.
I wonder how much guns are going to change this world. And I am cherishing a secret hope that Ty Lee is still alive--which means I'm wondering what she's up to!
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Date: 2011-08-20 05:02 am (UTC)Any resemblance between him and Shang from Mulan was initially coincidental.
I had a lot of trouble pacing out the ending, and I'm sorry that it showed.
And I am cherishing a secret hope that Ty Lee is still alive--which means I'm wondering what she's up to!
Heh.
Heh.
Heh.
no subject
Date: 2011-08-17 05:28 pm (UTC)The part where Aang flies away to clean up the Air Temples (almost) all by himself, and then sorts out that dispute very neatly but with a lot of work, that's one of my favorite parts. Especially because I'd never really thought of Aang having a family before. I just assumed he was an orphan, or that his parents gave him to Gyatso, or that the Air Nomads didn't do that sort of family structure. But I like that he has sisters and parents, all long dead and their bodies unrecognizable. And I like that he keeps Gyatso's beads.
The skeletons were all anonymous, so I prayed for all those nuns as if they had been my mother. That's one of the lines that really gets me.
Azula. Azula Azula Azula. I love her. The way she's the Fire Lord but Ozai still has so much power over the country and her, the fact that she doesn't go to the Spirit World but it comes to her. Her signing that paper to give Ozai control of her son, because she has no other choice at all. The semi-agreement with Chan Li, a decent guy and a far better consort than Ozai probably intended to give her. I love that the voices never really stop and she gets angry over little things and she's pregnant at fifteen and she's not trained to think in terms of food and crops and money but she's damn well trying her best to be a good Fire Lord.
And I have stuff to say about Mai and Toph and that house, about Ty Lee and the way she just disappeared, but I can't think it all out right now. This is a beautiful piece of work.
no subject
Date: 2011-08-20 05:05 am (UTC)AZULA. This was the fic that really made me love her a lot. Especially once I came up with Chan Li, who is basically a decent, functional guy thrown into the snake pit of royal politics. I'm so glad it all worked for you!
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Date: 2011-08-18 02:09 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-08-20 05:07 am (UTC)But thank you! I'm glad you found it believable, especially.
no subject
Date: 2011-08-18 06:05 pm (UTC)*flails*
This is so marvelous I cannot even. The politics! Mai and Longshot and Smellerbee drinking together! Mai's grandmother! Aang's family. Thinking of all the nuns as if they were his mother. Ty Lee disappearing. Aang and Mai together.
And OMG AZULA I LOVE HER SO MUCH.
*all the hugs for everyone*
no subject
Date: 2011-08-20 05:09 am (UTC)But I am SO GLAD you liked the rest of it! Especially Azula, because this was my first time writing her properly, and I had so much back and forth with my friends -- "Do you think she has an organic mental illness, or was her breakdown more psychological? How can I stop this from being a depiction of the Magically Mentally Ill?" And so on.
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Date: 2011-08-21 02:46 am (UTC)My Azula's is both, and is affected by both psychological and physical things. (Not always in the way her doctors think.) But then I'm me, so she learns to live with it and does Awesome Things While Mad. (The word she prefers: being "sick" or "ill" is, like, a state of perpetual failure. She cannot have that). Which is kind of hard, considering that healing powers exist. But I DON'T CARE.
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Date: 2011-08-22 03:05 am (UTC)Also, Ozai inventing the gun (or getting someone to invent it) actually fixes my issue in the show where I find it a little ridiculous that a society as technologically advanced as the Fire Nation doesn't have guns for no reason (well other than the obvious of it being a show for children and no guns are allowed.)
no subject
Date: 2011-09-05 03:39 pm (UTC)I loved this fic. It's bleak and sad, which is no surprise given what the premise is, but things never get over-the-top dramatic. The understated way in which you describe events, emotions, and reactions really works to make the whole thing both believable and bearable. There's not many fics that start off with major character death and manage to remain readable, and I love that the drama never feels smothering here.
Chan Li intrigues me immensely. By the end, I still wasn't sure if Azula actually trusts him or not. But he seems like the kind of person who just might get along with her. Practical, completely lacking in dramatic tendencies, and clever enough to follow along with what Azula is thinking. Great OC.
Mai was the one who really stood out for me here, though. Her more or less slipping into Zuko's old spot is both strangely fitting and very, very sad. I wish she still had somewhere else to go besides a place and a group of people where everyone who looks at her sees Zuko. And Ty Lee isn't even to help her cope. I felt for her, so much.